I have revolutionary ideas to reduce the cost of health care for the American government, insurance providers and you!
*Non-insulin dependent diabetics only test their HbA1c levels two times per year to confirm what their physicians and pharmacists already know: you are not sticking to your dietary guidelines so why the hell should we give you expensive test strips! Let's conserve the supply of test strips for insulin dependent diabetics who really need them.
Cost savings: in the six figure range and rising as the population gets fatter
*Patient self examination with a flashlight and magnifying glass to confirm crabs or head lice should lead to a self treatment with Rid, Nix, etc. instead of tying up valuable ER doc time.
Cost savings: hundreds in unnecessary ER/urgent care visits and your dignity
*Stop putting things in your vagina or anus that were not designed to go there! You know who you are... There are discreet websites that sell and anonymously ship toys designed for those orifices that will not land you in the ER. They even use a non sexual company title on your credit card bill. You will be mocked every time a light bulb, vegetable, fruit, 9-volt battery, rodent, shampoo bottle, lube jar, glass bottle, thermometer, tuning fork, watch, wedding ring, etc. has to be removed from your inner self.
Cost savings: hundreds in unnecessary ER visits and your dignity because you can't remove that item with salad tongs and a friend that can keep a secret because there is not a single person on earth that will keep that secret because it is too damn funny!
*Unless you were born hideously deformed or maimed in a horrible accident NO cosmetic procedures will be covered by insurance. You shallow attention starved perfectionists can pay for that sh*t yourself!
Cost savings: millions and millions and millions...why do you think actors demand such high salaries...plastic surgeons and their staffers don't work for free...
*Unless you come in with a broken/shattered bone you are not getting narcotics from the ER. All moderate to severe pain should be treated with Naproxen, Tramadol, or a Ketorolac intramuscular injection in the tookus (derived from Yiddish tuchus for butt/anus/etc. See you learned something new today.).
Cost savings: billions in ER hopping junkies looking for a fix...They should go to Kentucky or Tennessee for that sh*t cuz their ever increasing overdose rates lead me to believe the streets there are paved with Opium derivatives.
*If you have irritable bowel, acid reflux, or ulcers stop eating the foods that cause you to flare/runs to the ER. You sadomasochistic little foodies need to find a happier hobby. I know, I know, buffalo wings, pizza, and anything coated with spicy Thai peanut sauce are irresistible but give it a rest.
Cost savings: thousands per person per year and lots of pain, great pain
*Generics, generics, generics! We have plenty of medicines available for almost every ailment. Use the research monies to study things we don't have highly effective treatments for and new antimicrobials because we are seeing larger fail rates with antibiotics each and every year!
Cost savings: billions in copays and reimbursements with cutting edge procedures & life-saving therapies on the horizon
*Prescribing practitioners ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT cave in to every annoying or pushy patient that insists that an antibiotic will cure a cold/flu/sniffle/congestion. Let those patients know that every time you misuse antibiotics the bacteria on your body evolve measures that render them ineffective that can be genetically passed on to other species of bacteria that leads to higher fail rates and deadlier bacteria. Meaning when you really come down with a nasty bacterial infection you might die...MRSA, MRSA, MRSA... We are running out of antibacterial options much faster than people think. Multiple drug therapies can only take us so far before they are obsolete also.
Cost savings: billions in antibiotic abuse and hospitalizations due to treatment failures or organ failure from multi-antibiotic therapies