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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tastycare: Health Care For The New Millennium Part I

I have revolutionary ideas to reduce the cost of health care for the American government, insurance providers and you!

*Non-insulin dependent diabetics only test their HbA1c levels two times per year to confirm what their physicians and pharmacists already know: you are not sticking to your dietary guidelines so why the hell should we give you expensive test strips! Let's conserve the supply of test strips for insulin dependent diabetics who really need them.

Cost savings: in the six figure range and rising as the population gets fatter

*Patient self examination with a flashlight and magnifying glass to confirm crabs or head lice should lead to a self treatment with Rid, Nix, etc. instead of tying up valuable ER doc time.

Cost savings: hundreds in unnecessary ER/urgent care visits and your dignity

*Stop putting things in your vagina or anus that were not designed to go there! You know who you are... There are discreet websites that sell and anonymously ship toys designed for those orifices that will not land you in the ER. They even use a non sexual company title on your credit card bill. You will be mocked every time a light bulb, vegetable, fruit, 9-volt battery, rodent, shampoo bottle, lube jar, glass bottle, thermometer, tuning fork, watch, wedding ring, etc. has to be removed from your inner self.

Cost savings: hundreds in unnecessary ER visits and your dignity because you can't remove that item with salad tongs and a friend that can keep a secret because there is not a single person on earth that will keep that secret because it is too damn funny!

*Unless you were born hideously deformed or maimed in a horrible accident NO cosmetic procedures will be covered by insurance. You shallow attention starved perfectionists can pay for that sh*t yourself!

Cost savings: millions and millions and millions...why do you think actors demand such high salaries...plastic surgeons and their staffers don't work for free...

*Unless you come in with a broken/shattered bone you are not getting narcotics from the ER. All moderate to severe pain should be treated with Naproxen, Tramadol, or a Ketorolac intramuscular injection in the tookus (derived from Yiddish tuchus for butt/anus/etc. See you learned something new today.).

Cost savings: billions in ER hopping junkies looking for a fix...They should go to Kentucky or Tennessee for that sh*t cuz their ever increasing overdose rates lead me to believe the streets there are paved with Opium derivatives.

*If you have irritable bowel, acid reflux, or ulcers stop eating the foods that cause you to flare/runs to the ER. You sadomasochistic little foodies need to find a happier hobby. I know, I know, buffalo wings, pizza, and anything coated with spicy Thai peanut sauce are irresistible but give it a rest.

Cost savings: thousands per person per year and lots of pain, great pain

*Generics, generics, generics! We have plenty of medicines available for almost every ailment. Use the research monies to study things we don't have highly effective treatments for and new antimicrobials because we are seeing larger fail rates with antibiotics each and every year!

Cost savings: billions in copays and reimbursements with cutting edge procedures & life-saving therapies on the horizon

*Prescribing practitioners ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT cave in to every annoying or pushy patient that insists that an antibiotic will cure a cold/flu/sniffle/congestion. Let those patients know that every time you misuse antibiotics the bacteria on your body evolve measures that render them ineffective that can be genetically passed on to other species of bacteria that leads to higher fail rates and deadlier bacteria. Meaning when you really come down with a nasty bacterial infection you might die...MRSA, MRSA, MRSA... We are running out of antibacterial options much faster than people think. Multiple drug therapies can only take us so far before they are obsolete also.

Cost savings: billions in antibiotic abuse and hospitalizations due to treatment failures or organ failure from multi-antibiotic therapies


Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

awesome post! thanks Tasty!

Grumpy, M.D. said...


Bigtimepharmacist said...

How can a thermometer get stuck in an orifice? Please tell us.

Burger Doodle Chicks said...

Definitely an awesome post, and I'd add, let's get rid of direct-to-consumer advertising, the newest pill is not necessarily better! Or, the how to tell if you've got the designer disease of the week websites, do those really help?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Awesome point BDC!


The Redheaded Pharmacist said...

Tasty, that much common sense and bright ideas in one post about healthcare reform must mean you have absolutely nothing to do with the current healthcare reform efforts in Congress. You are actually trying to save money! It is a shame too because they might learn something by reading this post, lol. I doubt they all have the sense of humor about the issue to appreciate this post like I do!

Anonymous said...

Really agree with a lot of this post. You have to wonder what ever happened to common sense. Had a young man in the pharmacy last week and tried to explain to him that it might not be a good idea to self medicate himself continuously with the latest otc proton pump inhibitor. Couldn't get through to him that suppressing that much stomach acid could result in other problems in the long run.

gene said...

very well put! loved it. keep 'em coming.

Fries With That, tech said...

I love it, and can agree with everything but the hypocritical side of me who has lingering GERD but will eat any spicy food put in front of me.

Thank goodness Prevacid went generic, huh?

Have it Your Way said...

Amen Tasty!

Let's take it a step further...I propose creating a District KY for the sole purpose of isolating all insurance execs, big pharma associates, and all retail chain managers above the level of PIC.

Big 'N Tasty RPH said...

It wasn't just 1 thermometer... There is a show that I think is called 1000 Ways to Die that chronicles bizarre ways that people have actually died. The thermometer guy stuck a whole bunch of the old glass thermometers up his poop chute and they broke. He died from mercury poisoning. It is a real life case. Not the way I wanna go out...

minimedic said...

Preach it!

(Awesome post. I now put you in charge of the healthcare bill!)

Anonymous said...

Add to that, you can pay for your own smoking cessation programs, since you quit smoking about 12 times. You can pay for your own valtrex and other vd drugs.Maybe you'll be a little bit more choosey with whom you hook up with.No CII drugs for your kids. Feed them real food, quit feeding them sugary junk and caffeine, make them go to bed early, get them outside to play instead of watching tv or playing video games, and spend some time with your kids goes a long way towards paying attention in school or reducing behavior problems.Ok, I'm done.I nominate Tastycare to replace Obamacare!