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Sunday, April 26, 2009

On A Lighter Note

This is from an e-mail I received:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, or even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever-DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both antidotes-Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Reebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Now I know many of you hate work and have probably gotten this e-mail but they left out my favorite anti-WORK cure Virtual Overload Destroying Kinesis Agent(VODKA).

Saturday, April 25, 2009

When Pigs Flu

Outbreaks of swine flu A(H1N1) have been confirmed by the Centers for Disease Control in 6 California, 2 Texas, and 7 Mexico cases. News reporters say thousands have been infected and hundreds have died already. I believe some newscasters have been over dramatizing the event as the next great pandemic because the virus has components of swine, bird, and human flu it is easily transmittable. Have you guys been reading Weekly World News for headlines again? I think Batboy may have the super secret cure stored in his bat cave and Manbearpig from South Park is in on the conspiracy.

From the CDC: Pandemic flu is a virulent human flu that causes a global outbreak, or pandemic, of serious illness. Because there is little natural immunity the disease can spread easily from person to person.

The last known pandemic flu occurred from 1918-1919. Advances in medical research and flu vaccination programs have virtually eliminated the threat of a virus capable of pandemic status. Think about it. 1918 was a time when hygiene, environmental cleanliness, and medical science were sadly lax. Waste management and pollution were not really regulated like they are now and rodent infestations were rampant. People lived in close proximity to their stock animals which is where most animal viruses make the leap to humans. We usually don't see that now except where people live in 3rd world conditions or where infected animals are transported and introduced into a healthy animal population.

The CDC flu prevention tips are pretty much common sense:

1. Avoid close contact with people who are coughing and sneezing.
2. Stay home when you are sick.
3. Cover your mouth and nose when coughing and sneezing.
4. Clean your hands.
5. Avoid touching eyes, nose, and mouth.
6. Practice other good health habits.

I truly doubt we are on the verge of a pandemic but I would relish the experience of something so life changing to happen in my lifetime. A pandemic could wipe out millions. Imagine that....millions dead from a flu. Would it be like Monty Python's "Bring out your dead!" skit or would it be more like Night of the Living Dead where the "diseased" are burned in large bonfires? The gore fiend in me would love to see that. The scientist in me sees it as just another virus for research and vaccination to tackle. The reality is that we have medications (Relenza and Tamiflu) that readily treat this virus.

Conspiracy? Nope, just over hyped news jockeys scaring up some ratings. Don't believe the hype. And for those with enquiring minds it is okay to eat cooked pork so you don't have to give up your precious bacon! Yay!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

You had all day!

Dear Customers,

Now, I am here for you all day; all yours for 9 hours on a beautiful Saturday.

Your doctor mumbled a voice mail to me at 10am, I paged him.

He didn't call back, so I paged him again around 12pm.

He finally called back around 1pm and gave me the missing info, including your identity.

Your husband showed up 20 minutes later and was told that it would be ready in 20 minutes.

We had it ready in 15 minutes and paged your name in the store.

Where were you between 2pm and 6pm?

You knew we closed at 6pm, but your husband drove up at 6:05 and saw us there.
The sign was up, our lights were off, our drawers were gone...we were almost out.

We were nice, explaining that we were closed and asking your husband to call the 24 hour store 1.8 miles north.

Then you have the nerve to complain to management that we didn't re-open for you.

Why do I have to feel guilty because you couldn't show up in time?

When the pharmacy is closed, please fuck off!

Thank you,


My New Favorite Phrase!

Innovative Proprietary Technology

Wow, what a mouthful! It rolls off the tongue as each syllable languishes in your brain and caresses your vocal chords making the tiny hairs stand up on the back of your neck. Say it out loud with me:

Innovative Proprietary Technology

Ew, I got goose flesh all over! If it was a man I would make sweet sweet love to it.

Innovative Proprietary Technology

What this phrase means for you: higher cost versions of already available drugs!

Innovative Proprietary Technology

I love the smell of diabolical corpo shenanigans (ie verbal napalm) in the morning!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Walk-a Walk-a Walk-a

It amazes me how many fundraising walks we have. Autism, HIV/AIDS, diabetes, various types of cancer, etc. all get their own walks.

It amazes me that with so many walks throughout the year we are still the fattest nation on earth.

It amuses me that things like Herpes don't have their own walk. It doesn't have a cure either.

It amuses me to think about having a 5K walk for overactive bladder sponsored by Detrol LA. Just imagine the port-a-pottie lined walk with banners, confetti, liquid refreshments, and a slow down as everyone's "...gotta go gotta go gotta go right now!" Maybe Depends would be willing to co-sponsor. Alas, there are pills that pretty much keep that one in check instead of running rampant like blood sugar so I will just have to dream...

It also amuses me that with all the millions upon millions of dollars raised for all walks that there is rarely a significant medical breakthrough. Maybe it is because for almost all charities 60 cents of every dollar goes to advertising and administrative costs instead of research into the disease that is allegedly so damned important.

Screw that! If people really were "charitable" instead of looking for a tax break and an overblown sense of self we wouldn't need to throw parties or over-hyped events and more research could be done instead of holding out breath waiting for a miracle. I hate charities.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

That's NOT my name

Please, for the LOVE of God, don't scream "hey" or "hey you" or "doc" or "woman" or "lady" or anything else that is not remotely near what you can (or can't) read on my name tag. None of the above have ever been my name nor will be in the future. When you say those things to me, a health care professional, all I can think of is "what the f^$# are you, a cave person? Raised by wolves?" Seriously, calling me by my non name bugs the hell out of me. It is on my top 100 things that bug me about the public, as in YOU. Not all of you, of course. Especially not that hot Edward Cullen dude. ANYWAYS, pointing is also off limits. I do not respond to pointing. I will chop your finger off if you insist on doing it in the future with my razor sharp spatula. If you politely ask me for help, I will leap over the counter and give you great service! If you are an ass, expect attitude. Sorry, that's the way I roll.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What's Up Doc?

I had a lady come to the drive-thru at 4am. She was waiting for a prescription to be approved. The note on the prescription said that a message had been left at the office on Friday morning and a message had been left on the doctor's cell phone on Saturday morning as requested by the patient. Mind you, she knew he was going out of town for Easter, which to a normal person means not in the office Thursday or Friday through Monday or Tuesday. She wanted me to call his cell and his home phone at 4am to get the rx approved. How rude (spoken with an over exaggerated British accent)!!!

Are you f'n kidding me??? As a health care professional I will NOT call an md's cell phone unless he has left a specific message to do so for an after hours rx he phoned in and I will NOT call an md's house because you think it is okay to harass and stalk the md until you get your 400lb scratching your legs with a back scratcher while sitting in the drive thru because you are too fat to reach your legs Medicaid wishes to come true. This Easter bunny was not hoppy about it.

You, madam, are one of the reasons why mandatory murder looks like a reasonable idea to thin the herd and ease our country's financial burden.

Note to ALL prescribing practitioners: Make sure all your non-office/hospital/clinic phone numbers are UNLISTED so the crazies won't call you at all hours because after I told her we would not call the office again until after 8am she dialed his cell number while she huffed and puffed with the effort it took to speed dial from a cell phone directory. Ugh...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Plan B marry me

I heart Plan B. It should stand for Plan Bizzle b/c it is the bomb! I wish it was free. I can't stand it when someone bitches about the price. Are you kidding me?? Do you want 18 plus years of hell? Get the money, take it stat and you will thank me later!!

Bill Maher-eat your heart out! I am not one of those uber Christian pharmacists that you have a problem with not dispensing this to gals in need. If it were up to me, it would be free!

Fatties beware

Don't come up to the counter with a hand full of Twinkies and bitch about your cholesterol or diabetes medication(s) co-pays. Cry me a river!

How about walking your lard ass into the store sometime instead of pulling up in the drive-thru sucking down that 64 oz. soda like it is your job? You bitch about the wait time while you see all of running around with our heads cut off filling vicodin prescriptions out of our asses. We are expending CALORIES doing our job. Are you familiar with that word? Of course not.

Don't hand me your prescription with burger juice all over it. Gross. Would you like your me to hand you your prescription in a Burger King bag? Don't tempt me. Want your dr. to stick his/her fingers up your twat with chicken finger juice? Yeah-some of you would.

I don't know where the Xenadrin, Fatburners, Acai miracle burn fat meds are b/c they don't fucking work. If they worked, they wouldn't be on the shelf. Oprah will be the first to let you know which one works.

Put the hot dog down, take your dog for a walk, listen to your body when it tells you you are full, drink water, etc. NO PILL IS GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU SO STOP ASKING ME. Yeah-I'm not skinny but I am not pathetic either.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

And Now For Something Really Gross...

A guy and his friend come in to the pharmacy Sunday night to ask me a question. I have a patient waiting for us to run his new insurance card and the other guy puts his leg up on the counter and takes off a large Band-Aid to show me his "spider bite." If that is a spider bite I am a rocket scientist. Since astrophysics and the mechanics of gravity defying jet propulsion systems are not entirely beyond my grasp but not my area of training and expertise I am going with not a spider bite.

Despite the sarcasm I have seen many spider bites in my lifetime, even had a couple of my own. This was no spider bite. I could have put my thumb or a roll of pennies in this "spider bite" and almost hit the bone. Not to forget it is crusty and oozing puss on one side.

He said he was on amoxicillin but it wasn't getting any better. I told him to see a doctor immediately because that was not going to be cured with amoxicillin and it was potentially life-threatening if he did not get a better treatment soon.

He smiled and went on his merry way. The other patient and I were grossed out. How can you walk around with that huge hole in your flesh and not run to a doctor? I hate junkies! He had quite a collection of scabs and sores all over his legs. He was still wearing shorts. I guess that 10 minute high is worth more to him than his quality of life....blast off rocket man....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Florida's Drug Problem In A Nutshell

Everyone should read this article from the Miami Herald. It does a great service by exposing the extent of substance abuse and the licensed shysters who make it readily available.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Medical Mad Math

botox injections + pregnancy = retarded baby

intoxicants + pregnancy = crack baby

fat free diet + pregnancy = seizure baby

2000 mile road trip + oxycodone rx = junkie

fast food + lipitor = still high cholesterol

coke'd out bar trick + sugar daddy + 2 viagra = good times

mountain dew + pharmacist = another day at McDruggie's

night out drinking + jalapeno poppers = stinky diarrhea

coke'd out bar trick - viagra = limp twitchy weenie

pharmacist / (phones + cars in drive thru + you in my face) = nervous breakdown

unprotected sex + HIV = booty flu

used syringes + ball filled kiddie play land = lawsuit

crabby undies washed + laundry bag not washed = crabby undies

8AM + McDonald's apple pie from a patient = happy overnighter on the way home!