We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Price is Right

Since I was knee high to a cricket, I have always watched the Price is Right. I got out of the habit of watching it when I switched to overnights because I have other tasks that need to be accomplished along with sleep that surpass the need to see someone play Plinko or scream and jump around like a crackhead when they see a new car. Today I watched.

The show is in reruns until the new season starts. It won't be the same without Bob at the helm but I am sure the advertising will remain the same. Ads for the elderly abound. There are various ads for hearing aids, dental implants, medical supplies, "Help me. I've fallen and I can't get up." alert buttons, accident help lines, car insurance, and prescription assistance.

The Partnership for Prescription Assistance has Montel Williams telling you how to get drugs if you don't have insurance. If you see the fine print, they can't help you if you are in the Medicare donut hole or if you have Medicaid or even a prescription discount card. They show all these people who say they wouldn't be around if it weren't for the PPA. Bullocks! Just another tax write-off for big pharma.

Liberty Medical touts the ease of having medical and diabetic supplies delivered to your house. I thought Wilfred Brimley was dead.... My favorite role he played was the doc that got digested and replaced by an alien in "The Thing" and built a space ship in a tool shed. Awesome! That sure beats the pants off hawking diabetic supplies during daytime TV.

Why haven't the Jitterbug cell phones reared their overinflated digits and extremely overinflated pricey service plans? I was sure they would prey upon those with poor vision just as fast as I could remember that super gay neon video Wham! did for that song.....jitterbug.......jitterbug........wake me up before you go go.....don't leave me hanging on going solo.....damn, now I am going to be singing that all day!
"Wake me up before you go go. Now, take me dancing tonight.....I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh yeeeaaah yeeeaaah yeeaaah baby.......(kill me now)... With a 1000 minute plan for $150 (eeek!) it is cheaper to go through a regular cell service provider and deal with tiny buttons, especially if you have budgetary restrictions.

My favorite commercial during the Price is Right has to be Hoveround scooters. I applaud the devious jingle master that came up with that one. It will soon drown out George Micheal and I will sing along all day. "I go go go in my Hoveround!" Not only do they have a wickedly catchy theme, they also portray a beautiful ballet of elderly in their Hoveround scooters. Not since the Olympic gold medal synchronized swimming have I seen such awkwardly graceful and disturbingly choreographed movement. The only problem I had is that for some reason not all chair drivers were wearing their seatbelt. Shame shame on you! Accidents, like a messy fall, can be prevented with seatbelts. Mayhaps a "Click it or Ticket" mandate could be enforced....nope.

"I go go go in my Hoveround!"

Friday, September 14, 2007

Life in a Petri Dish

I have always wondered if I had the filthiest house in all the lands. I have cats, birds, and a devious lazy streak. Things tend to build up like laundry, dishes, dust, cat hair on the couch, etc. I do once weekly spend a day cleaning and then let it go to hell the rest of the week. Kitties like dust bunnies. Who am I to destroy their furry little friends?

A friend of a friend is probably far filthier than anyone else I know. His apartment is a veritable swamp. The air conditioner leaks water onto the floor, which is completely saturated. There is so much moisture that the wooden door frame is rotting away and hanging on by a prayer. It reeks of mold and mildew. I am surprised he doesn't have a rare mold infection in the lungs.

At one point in the swamp his cat did get a lung infection. The cat refuses to enter the apartment. When the cat has had enough, you should probably call in a HAZMAT team and call it a day. He still lives on. We are sure he has adapted the coping skills of a cockroach and will never succumb to the swamp.

I do not have anywhere NEAR the filthiest house in all the lands. In fact, I don't even come close. I know this because I watch "How Clean Is Your House" on BBC America. The people on that show are all fighting tooth and nail for the "Filthiest House In All the Lands" award.

The two hosts used to work at the royal palace as maids. They specialize in simple cleaning techniques, utensils, and products that anyone with the intelligence of a 7 year old would be able to follow.

My favorite part of the show is when they take swabs of different parts of the house to see what grows in a petri dish. During the cleaning process the homeowner is shown pictures of the organisms and some of the diseases they can cause. A few houses were so chock full of "germs" that the hosts were surprised that no one had been sick yet.

After the horrific experience the hosts return 2 weeks later to view the progress. There have been a few that do no cleaning. I want to see the one year follow up. That would be hilarious. I know several of the houses are probably in their original state of filth. I don't think I could ever let my house be that gross.

Sexual Healing

Sexual well-being is a relatively new frontier for medical science as we know it. Back in early Chinese history, long before the western hemisphere was known to exist, different types of stimulants like the first penis substitute (dildo) were created. It was nothing like the battery fueled vibrating machines of today but a hollow cylindrical object filled half-way with fluid. The object worked by inserting into the vagina and rocking back and forth in a rocking chair. The movement of the fluid inside would stimulate the vaginal walls and presto! Climax has been achieved. I am sure this took an extremely long amount of time to reach climax but your have to work with what is available.

You can even still find reprints of ancient catalogs from all cultures featuring man-made erotica from as early as the 1800's. Some erotica items do look like torture devices and may have caused more damage than pleasure, but to each his own.

Which brings me into the present. A manager friend from Mc Druggie's told me to look on their website. There is a menu tab labeled Sexual Wellness. Curiosity piqued, I went in for a look see.

There it was in all its shiny red candy-like glory. I had to click it, you are always obligated to hit the shiny red candy-like button. I explored the wonders of sexual wellness. Most of it is lubricants, condoms, family planning items, etc. and there are small vibrating devices.

Some of the items were funny, some were standard mini-vibes you would find at a porn store, and some of them were just weird. The Cone was just a pink vibrating cone. I could not imagine that it was that great but the ad said it was a top-seller in Europe. I read some of the reviews for it and almost choked on my soda. One review claimed it was "The BEST thing since sliced bread!" I disagree, not even having to try out the product. I am still sticking with air conditioning, microwaves, and tampons.

This excursion led me to explore other McDruggie's company websites (all retail pharmacies are McDruggie's, after all) for sexual healing. Most didn't have anything beyond family planning, condoms, lube, and the yeast infection test kit. The last McDruggie's I checked had a link to Drugstore.com. There I found a wonderland of sexual toys, the usual condoms and stuff, and even bachelorette gifts. The Uncommon Drugstore, indeed.

Their vibrator selection rivals that of Ye Olde Porne Shoppe that can be found in every city on almost every 3rd street corner (maybe that is just Florida). It even had many of the things you would find on a sex toy website, except the religious vibrators. I have only seen those on one specialty website. If you believe in hell or purgatory I am sure that site can get you a first class ticket.

The good thing is that Drugstore.com reminds users to wash toys before and after use and to never use them on inflamed/raw areas or on open sores. They are at least responsible about that. More than I can say from some sex toy sites.

My favorite item under bachelorette gifts is a penis and balls shaped cake pan and matching penis candles. I know a lot of birthdays coming up. If you mysteriously receive a penis cake with matching candles you can take a pretty good guess where it came from.

Who wants wiener cake??!!

Friday, September 7, 2007


It is that time of year when new pharmacy graduates stress and cram for the NABP licensing exam. I remember days of wanting to vomit or jump in front of a bus because that dreaded masterpiece of obscure pharmacy knowledge loomed before me. I decided to eat two scoops of torture and take the state law exam on the same day. Tears and a feeling of impending doom were all that was left afterwards. I took a great beating that day and just knew I blew it.

I passed the NABP beastie on the first try. I took law a second time. I failed law by one stinking point. Maybe that was where the doom came from. Note to grads, take them on separate days so your brain does not turn into runny discombobulated mush.

Now some shenanigans have ensued. Some douche-bag that cheated his/her way through college has managed to procure a copy of the NABP exam. This means that several deserving grads have to wait even longer to take their exam. The person(s) responsible for the exam content theft should not EVER be allowed to take it or practice medicine in any way, shape, or form. This is like using steroids in professional sports----utter abomination!

Is public hanging or stoning allowed?

Sorry grads, you will just have to hold that nauseating dread for a bit longer!