We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I completely understand if someone suffers from an obsessive compulsive disorder. What I do not understand after watching many seasons of "Hoarders" on A&E is that if someone who even suspects that a family member has OCD and may live in conditions that are unhealthy for people or animals can stand by and let that sh*t happen without stepping in and saying "Hey, I think you might have a bit of a problem." f*cking p*sses me off!

If you know anyone who may have an OCD issue that has come to the point that their living conditions or their familiy's/pet's living conditions are conducive to bacterial/fungal infection PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help them to see that they need professional counseling! OCD can come in many forms but when it comes to the point where living conditions are deplorable it makes my black loveless heart bleed!

Don't let anyone in your family suffer! In this world of the "stuff obsessed" people need to see what is a proper home living environment and how to manage the things they have without "hoarding" to the point that they have vermin and/or health problems! Let this be your New Year's Crusade!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Christmas Miracle

Nearing the holidays everything becomes hectic. Last minute shoppers crowd shops and roads while weary employees look forward to the quiet calm of the "Silent Night." We had an early bird this morning who entered fully clothed but arrived with his shopping and pants in hand at the front register to check out.

He explained that he wanted to exchange his pants for a bottle of children's sunscreen. The cashier called the manager because "You gotta see this." They gently explained that pants are not an acceptable form of currency for McDruggie's and unfortunately we would not be able to exchange them for sunscreen.

A short while later that manager phones me. He said the pants less man had a microwave that he threw on my brand new car (bought it yesterday). I was like "You lie!" He did lie but the pants less man was in fact walking around near my car in the parking lot with a microwave.

I asked myself, "Self, where would one with no pants get a microwave at 7:30 in the morning?" He didn't buy it from us so it must have been a glorious Christmas miracle!

Hopefully all of your holiday memories will be just as magical! I wonder if he is the "nude dude" from a few months back. If he isn't I bet they are besties. Happy holidays, you want fries with that?!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Texting, One, Two, Three?

I like to complain and I like to laugh. I spend equal amounts of time at both pretty much all the time. I had an especially good hour long fit of the chuckles after filling a prescription for a patient with a rather unfortunate yet hilarious name. I can't tell you the whole name because of patient privacy laws but I will take a stretch at saying that parents with the last name Wiener or Weiner have certain social responsibilities in picking a name that does not lend to hilarity and long term psychological damage for their children.

A typical text convo between pharmacists:

Tasty: I am being used for my compounding skills....I feel dirty.

Filet: Lucky! I've forgotten so much and I love compounding

Tasty: Made two batches of progesterone supp & a flagyl susp...fun fun

Filet: Fun. What flavor of flagyl?

Tasty: Sweet gritty ass

Filet: Ha ha w a cherry on top

Tasty: My face hurts from fake smiling

Filet: Amen

This is what happens when I get suckered into driving an hour away to sub at another store for a 14 hour day. I told the techs there will be no staying after 10pm. If it is not done it will be sitting on the counter for the morning staff. I have no shame in leaving it behind. I have an hour drive home. Of course there was nothing left behind because it was a Sunday but I am subbing there again for the evening today and will have no shame leaving stuff behind.

We close at 10PM, not 10:05, not 10:30, but at 10PM so don't pull up in the drive-thru because you think I am going to stay an extra 20 minutes because you are just gonna get driving directions to the 24-hour store down the street.

Happy Holidays!

**supp = suppositories and susp = suspension

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Here Comes Santa Clause!

A Santa pulled in to the drive thru at Mcdruggie's to get his diabetes meds. I guess all those cookies and milk finally got the best of him.

Come to think of it, Santa has become a sort of poster boy for the modern American.

He is morbidly obese.
He most likely has diabetes or a milder metabolic syndrome precursor.
He most likely has high cholesterol.
He most likely suffers from sleep apnea.
He might have to buy an extra seat on an airplane.
He might not be able to fit in some of the rides at Disney.
He probably has massively clogged arteries.
He probably has irregular bowels.
He probably hasn't seen his feet or his penis for quite some time.
He could end up on one of those 1-Ton man shows on the science channel.
He probably has recurrent fungal infections in each of his folds.
He might not even be able to put on his socks and boots without assistance.
...and the list goes on...

What's the point of this post? Nada. This is nothing more than the rambling holiday observations of a Grinchy poo pharmacist trapped in the land of misfit drugs so for Christmas my rag tag band of Mcdruggie's third shift cohorts and I shall indeed indulge in a multi-layer chocolate ganache confection so we can celebrate our holiday with a side of diabetes and be jolly like Santa. Ho ho ho, indeed!

***On a lighter note one of my readers has a brother who had an unfortunate date with a deer whilst riding a motorcycle. I am hoping that the "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" inspired torture ensues....

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Remember When...

* pharmacies used typewriters.

* birth control was expensive at $21.99 per pack.

* albuterol inhalers were $12.99.

* compounding was the only way to make medications.

* everything was cash and carry.

* you were young and happy before retail destroyed all sense of self and worth.

* motrin was the latest and greatest prescription pain reliever.

* brown industrial paper towels were absorbent.....never...

* boards required you to pass a compounding practicum.

* lawsuits were few and far between.

* 100 prescriptions per day was a huge volume.

* we had tech help instead of running the sh*t with 1 RPH and 1 tech for a 500 rx per day store.

* pharmacists were sane.

* the law did not allow us to discuss medications with patients.

* you went to school for pharmacy and didn't end up the "head cashier."

* you went to school for pharmacy because you wanted to help people and ended up being the janitorial/maintenance person cuz you work overnights and apparently have to babysit the day staff who leave food, beverage containers, coffee stains, and paper garbage ALL over the pharmacy but don't clean up after themselves....pigs!

* hand sanitizers weren't sitting out on EVERY available surface of the counter.

* patients were nice.

* welfare had yet to create an elite class of babymakers with no responsibility whatsoever and no respect for others.

* that one douche bag pharmacist was diluting chemotherapy and made us all look bad along with drastically shortening the lives of cancer patients who could have survived.

* nobody had a cell phone in the pharmacy.

* life was SWEET without a double or single drive-thru window. You want fries with that?

* medical office staff weren't total b*tches when you called for an rx clarification (and some docs, nurses, and pa's for that matter.....you know who you are).

* pain management wasn't a lucrative alternative to street dealing.

* there weren't 4 oxycodone related overdose deaths per day in the state of Florida.

* Christmas songs didn't make the muzak worse until after Thanksgiving.

* a pharmacist actually got to sit down uninterrupted for 30 minutes to eat their dinner before it got cold and de-stress before they b*tch slap somebody.

* Marinol was a CII.

* Primatene inhalers were $8.99.

* people were embarrassed to pick up Viagra.

* The minimum dispensing cost was $6.99.

* McDruggie's carried penis vacuum pumps.

* we didn't have touch tone refills and had to talk to EVERY patient for refills.

* people actually went to a primary care physician instead of using the ER as their dial-a-doc.

* junkies were few and far between.

Monday, December 7, 2009

On The Worst Day Of XMas

To save time I am gonna break this one down to the final verse sung to the "12 Days of Christmas":

On the worst day of XMas
McDruggie's gave to me

12 crazy convos*
11 cough/cold consults
10 ER patients
9 flu shot queries
8 gift card transfers
7 cars a honking
6 doctor call ins
4 oxy seekers
3 ringing phones
2 screaming kids
And a massive throbbing headache for me!

*convos = conversations with the obsessive/compulsive schizophrenic that calls many many times each day

I also encourage readers from other medical fields to leave their lists in the comments. Have you had your break today?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Hooked On A Feeling

Fever and chills: check!
Achy and sore: check!
Feeling beaten and left for dead: check!
Going to an all day concert: check!

Methinks I have a touch of the flu. Which flu, the world may never know. I figure since I am not having any difficulty breathing that it is not the much feared H1N1 or "hiney" virus as the stupid so lovingly call it.

So I went to my McDruggie's to get some Nyquil. I am not talking about the "store brand" with the slightly bad taste and the reformulated decongestant. I am talking the real deal, show your photo ID and sign to say you aren't making meth out of it, with the gut wrenching black death taste that gives you the same convulsion of repulsion as Jagermeister shots on a hot summer night, Nyquil.

I slept like the dead and it felt wonderful!

I am still achy and feel like crap but I am well rested and ready to test a theory. My partner pharmacist suggested going at it like a pirate: rum. I like to use Civil War medicine: whiskey or bourbon. So today I will use a combination of both plus a couple Motrin and a Centrum Performance vitamin.

Rock on! I will be completely germ sterile by the end of the day or I will be in the hospital tomorrow with liver damage, an active gastric ulcer, and an overactive flu virus that needs a Tamiflu beatdown. Either way I am gonna have a great time! Woo hoo!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Here Fishy Fishy!

It's that wonderful time of year when McDruggies is trying to drum up new customers so there are rumors of the mass marketed and always dreaded $25 dollar gift card rx transfer program turning up in the weekly ad. WTF? After thoughtfully cutting our staff down to the bare minimum you wish to put us through this hell again?

These gift cards bring in the worst people. Let me give you some examples.

1. Medicaid patients who legally are not eligible but the rx staffers are giving them the gift cards anyway because most of them will get violent and screamy if we don't.

2. Medicare patients who legally are not eligible but the rx staffers are giving them the gift cards anyway because most of them will get violent and screamy if we don't.

3. Didn't we just settle a huge government lawsuit because of reasons 1 and 2 last year?

4. Junkies. They will try to transfer controlled substances that are weeks too soon to refill so they can get really high and get a bonus gift card to buy sudafed with.

5. Idiots who think bringing in or having the doc call in a new rx means they get a gift card because they came here from {insert random pharmacy name here} and are a new patient (ie patient transferred to us, not rx transferred to us).

6. Hateful bottom-feeding coupon-whore shrews that go to whichever pharmacy has the rx transfer flavor of the week coupon. These are the nastiest most evil creatures in ALL creation and ALWAYS go out of their way to make EVERY person on staff miserable the ENTIRE time they are in the pharmacy.

7. Douche bags with "NO REFILL" on their bottle who think we are going to call their doc for refills and give them a gift card too. FU douchies!

I am sure there are others I forgot to mention but these are the top offenders who suck the life out of everyone and everything they encounter here in pharmacy-town.

This exorbitant waste of pharmacist payroll takes precious time away from the patients who really need us and have medical questions or need some advice on if they can perform some first aid MacGuyver action at home or need to race to the emergency room.

I am gonna put my foot down here and say it: "I didn't go to college for 6 years to be your gift card transfer b*tch!" I am gonna hassle each and every one of those people and refuse gift cards to all who don't qualify and give them the corporate complaint number so they can call and scream at someone else because I wouldn't give a gift card to a person on government funded health care because I won't break the law.

Seriously, McDruggies, do we even make enough money to further torture employees so you can get a big fat bonus at the end of the year? For that matter, do we even break even on that sh*t or should I just bend over and let everyone stick a finger in my a$$hole to let me know they care because at the end of the day the rx transfer gift card program totally mcsuckies!