We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Endless Wonderment

Being a creature of the night leaves the daylight hours as a mythical land of chaos that I rarely choose to join. On this particular occasion I was begged by a desparate scheduler to cover a day shift because she had eight sick calls to cover and no pharmacists left to call.

I entered a veritable sh*t storm of printed labels everywhere, filled rxs sadly waiting for a pharmacist to verify, multiple messages on the voicemail, bags and bags of ready rxs waiting to be shelved or sold, a stack of faxes 50 deep waiting to be entered, two lanes of cars impatiently hitting horns or banging on the window, 15 people impatiently waiting in line, two technicians, and a pharmacist. I laughed. What else was I expecting during the day since McDruggie's cut everyone's hours and staff in half over the past few months. It actually surprises me that there are any patients left at all with the drastic decrease in customer service and everything taking twice as long with the Keebler elves allegedly picking up the slack.

Our wait time was 2 hours and mounting. The 3pm intern had been scheduled at another store so there was only one technician coming at 4pm. Even using the assistant managers as cashiers the situation was rapidly disintegrating to the point where I wanted to just say "F*CK IT!" and shut the place down. One technician had already been there for 10 hours with no break or lunch which is illegal and happens more than anyone would like to admit and on top of that there was a fiasco with a medicaid recipient that rapidly escalated into a shouting match between a tech and her at the drive-thru then they came inside to cause issues. I gave the prescriptions back but this wellfare princess decided we owed her something because she did not have her medicaid info and we were supposed to give it to her for free because being an illegal immigrant and crapping out some bastard children now gives you government paid housing and health care. What the f*ck? My tax dollars at work!

So she complained to management and said we called her the N word so I was forced to waste an hour of my time for this worthless piece of sh*t so she didn't die from her infection. Where are the "medical death squads" when you need one?... The way to save billions of dollars each year is to cancel all welfare benefits for illegals, children or no. You don't pay taxes here, you don't get benefits here. End of story. If you look on the books military and welfare are our biggest expenses as a nation. I say we cut the apron strings...oh that b*tch pissed me off.

So for salvaging the day I wondered on the drive home if the upper management jack off on bonus days because they sure as sh*t don't care about the mental and physical deterioration of their overworked, under appreciated employees. If the douche bags at the top want to change the system they need to work all day at a 1000 rx a day store with 2 techs and a manager as a cashier to know how we live every day to pad their f*cking bonuses.

As a side note this is why we use all of our sick days. Maybe upper management should think about that for a little while while they jizz on their desk.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Some Pleasantries From Retail

*An extremely intoxicated older man comes in to ask me for something for his prostate because he is always "hard." I told him we didn't have anything for that and he should talk to a doc. He picked up a bottle of Prostaguard or some herbal hogwash and tried to get me to be his playmate because he had a big one and he loved white women and had some very colorful and unpleasant things to say about his fellow Jamaican womenfolk and their naughty parts that were offensive and not printable at this juncture. He also tried just as eloquently to entice the other girl working in the store that night. Strike one!

*An older latino gentleman came in to get Viagra. No rx but he said a nurse gave him an exam and told him it was okay to take Viagra. So the overnight manager and I explained several times that here we need an rx so he should go back to the clinic and get one. Then I had to work on an insurance audit. Strike two!

*A girl and her boyfriend used to come in late at night and she would always shoplift things like makeup, a hair dryer, etc. Both overnight managers kicked her out of the store several times. Apparently the boyfriend was clueless to her five finger discount. One morning she even came in to buy a yogurt and my manager gave her the boot. We don't tolerate thieves. He told me last night that he saw her arrested for crack possession on the Women COPs of Broward County show. Strike three!

And just like Doug, "I'm outta heee-ee-ee-re!"

(FYI: Doug is a character from the tv sketch comedy show The State. I love those guys..and girl!)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Universal Healthcare

There is not a snowball's chance in Hell that we will ever get Universal Healthcare in the U.S. because ALL of the politicians against it are taking payouts from Big Pharma and several insurance lobbyists to make sure it never happens. I F*CKING HATE bureaucrats!

And to those who invoke the atrocities of Hitler and the Third Reich to try and demonize the president's efforts I reply: Das ist aber schade! (That is a shame!) These efforts to better health coverage for the millions of Americans who currently either have no job or cannot afford coverage are necessary. It should be subsidized by the insurance companies so they can still be competitive with current offerings and take the burden off John Q Taxpayer.

All of the money wasted on advertising for drugs and insurance plans could fund plans and earn tax breaks for the insurance and drug companies. They were getting an advertising tax allowance anyway. We should use it to better the system instead of piss it away.

And that is my 2 cents for the day.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Dream Team

This is the kick off to a crazy week of people who need every prescription in their profile N.O.W. because a string of tropical storms are coming and they might have to evacuate or be trapped in their house for a week or more. It is gonna take the deliciously caffeinated "Dream Team" and everything the Keebler elves have to give to keep this ship from sinking. Do I get overtime if I have to stay since everybody's hours got cut and we will be doing an extra 300 to 500 prescriptions a day?

Red Bull and Ultra Violet, activate!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Light It Up

So tell me if you've heard this one before. A 43 year old woman walks into a store at the Mall of the Americas in Miami called Savage Boutique. She then douses herself with a flammable liquid to become a femme flambe and slowly sashay through the mall for approximately 2 & 1/2 minutes while shoppers watch in shock and two put her out with fire extinguishers but she keeps moving out into the parking lot. The smell of barbecue permeates the scene as paramedics rush her to the hospital with 3rd degree burns. A bystander said "This woman is just walking like this, (holding his arms out to simulate the flames and walking slowly), super slow, completely on fire."

Now I am no expert on psychosis but I can guess this lady had many issues and challenges. I wonder what pushed her over the edge. Did she lose her house? Did she have a major death in the family? Did she have an underlying chemical imbalance? Did she lose her job? Did DCFS take her children? Did her man/woman leave abruptly? Was she lonely and desperate for attention or affection? Was it a combination of any or all of these factors? No one knows. Hell, she will be "lucky" if she survives the burns and gets some psych help.

I can think of a thousand ways to die that are unpleasant. If you are going to do a "cry for help" spectacle I do not recommend anything painful and scarring. Most people either cut themselves or try their hand at an overdose, or develop an eating disorder but really if you feel that you are on your last leg I definitely recommend some different strategies.

1. Break something. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or expensive. A plate works great because they usually break into big pieces that are easy to clean up later, unless you have Corelle, then you will be frustrated that the damn thing just bounces off the floor to mock you and your anger.

2. Hit something. Hitting animals or people can get you into legal trouble so find something reasonably soft so as not to damage yourself in the anger management process. Pillows, upholstered furniture, gym bags, bean bags, etc. will take the abuse and not fracture a bone in your hand.

3. Yard work. Nothing relaxes me like taking a pole saw to a few tree limbs. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about a pole saw is basically a small chainsaw on a stick. It allows for some tree or bush cutting anger release with all the added danger of a regular chainsaw. Okay, strike that... Probably not a good idea after all...

New 3. Scream at someone. Telemarketers are awesome for this! Let one of those f*ckers call when I am in a bad mood and I guarantee they will never call again! I just know my number has a notation of "evil b*tch monster" or something similar on it so they know not to call or make a newbee call as a terrible training joke. If they are calling for donations they will get the "f*cking government takes all my money so I don't have any left over for charity" speech that probably rates below "evil b*tch monster" but higher than "mouthy snatch."

4. Write it down. A journal or typing on a computer can be a magical drain for all your hateful and self deprecating thoughts. When you are done you can read it and see how ridiculous you sound or delete/destroy it so no one sees how crazy or mean you can get.

5. Cry. I know many people live with the delusion that they have to be happy all the time and a perfect homemaker or parent. Hell, billions of dollars are spent on these delusions and have built empires for drug companies and home and garden companies for years. Don't put yourself in that position! We succeed because we learn from our inherent failures.

Look at the great inventors. What if Alexander Graham Bell gave up on the "telephone" or if Thomas Edison gave up on the light bulb? What if George Washington Carver gave up on domesticating the peanut? Where would my delicious peanut butter come from cuz I am not making it myself, Martha. The point is that one great thing comes from a thousand or so failures. It's just like that Kenny Rogers song said "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away when the dealing is done."

So the next time you are super angry or super depressed follow one of my suggestions then dust yourself off and get help if you need it. Remember there are specialized services to fit your needs: credit counselors, life coaches, substance abuse counselors, various support groups, financial planners, and psychiatric counselors. If you need to, use them because anything is better than being flambeed!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cute stuff

I know this crotchety pharmacist. He lives inside of me!


Pharmacy Hotties

I was really shocked by the negative reaction I received from posting link and encouraging pharmacists to post pics on this site. Sorry to have offended but we should all really celebrate what we've got.

Lecture over,


Saturday, August 8, 2009

You're Gonna Love My Nuts!

I saw this "Manager's Choice" display at McDruggie's. I wonder if Vince the Slap Chop guy told the hooker he beat up in Miami that she was "Gonna love my nuts!"? I do love the "Love my nuts" remixes of the infomercial on YouTube. They always make me giggle because that is one creepy looking pitchman. In fact, he is creepy enough to deserve his face appearing next to anal lubricant.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Face First

A 1.75 liter bottle of 360 Vodka is a magically smooth and beautiful alcoholic creation. It goes down so smooth that judging your level of intoxication can be a very tricky endeavor.

Such was the case Sunday when a couple of friends (gay male A and gay male B) stayed with me to party the weekend away. It started out innocent enough with fried appetizers, cocktails, and shots for lunch because spending a weekend off with friends shouldn't be wasted in any other way then we returned to my house. I had an active ear infection at the time so I put in my Ciprodex drops and retired for a 2 hour nap while they drank and watched Mama Mia. The plan was to go to a club at 10PM to catch a drag show and some free drinks.

I was awakened by the chirping sounds I recognize as "I am scared and confused." coming from my cockatiels. They quit making noise so I decided to stay in bed for a few more minutes then I hear a thud. Friend A comes in to wake me up and simply says "Please get up, we have a problem." I am assuming something got broken.

I walk into my kitchen and see friend B laying face down on the floor with his pants and undies down around his ankles. I laughed so hard I almost fell over myself. A was concerned that we may need to call an ambulance but he didn't want to because he was afraid they would think he was trying to rape B and they probably wouldn't take "I swear I'm a bottom!" as a good excuse not to involve the police.

So I spent the next 10 minutes between giggles telling B to pull his pants up because he was showing everything and I wasn't up for the free show today. Finally I gave it a last effort and told B I was going to pee and he damn well better have his pants on when I got back.

He repantsed himself and laid on the couch. I tell A to go ahead and start getting ready for clubbing and we would just have to leave B at home. So throughout the time I was getting ready A and I would ask B a barrage of questions to see if he had some brain hemorrhage or if he was just severely intoxicated. Of course he failed any attempt at sobriety questions but he wasn't really having problems besides confusion and a wicked headache. So he asked us "WTF just happened?" then went to bed.

We went clubbing and on departure A was lighting a cigarette and dropped it on the ground. He fell over in the dirt in a futile attempt to retrieve it and maintain some semblance of composure because a policeman was sitting not 10 feet away watching it all go down. Mission failed. I asked him if he needed help getting up so officer friendly wouldn't take anymore interest in our little show.

We made it home and the next morning B had a gigantic black eye where face met floor the night before. He didn't believe us when we told him his pants were around his ankles while he mated with my floor. I knew I should have taken pics. We assumed he was headed for the bathroom and dropped trow too soon and so ended up on the floor.

Moral of the story, don't drink 1.5 of the 1.75 liter bottle of 360 Vodka by yourself and top it off with two small bottles of Jagermeister. I offered to chauffeur him to the hospital for a liter of D5W and a liter of normal saline IV push and perhaps an MRI but he decided to suffer for two days and then had to fly home with a shiner. I bet airport security thought twice about letting him on the plane. His mom thought it was goth makeup because it was deep dark purple all the way around. I was hoping she would have thought I beat him up...hilarious!