We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I Heart Smack-Tards!

Some people are striking to look at and some people you just want to strike after they open their mouths. Smack-tards. The only people on the planet that are so f*cking retarded you want to smack them r-e-a-l hard...

Smack-Tard #1

Female caller: "I need to know if clonidine is like Klonopin."

Brain: Ew ew ew...I wonder where this is going...

Female caller: "So I can't get high on it?"

Brain: For reals????

Female caller: "I guess I should put it back where I found it then. Bye."

Brain: Smack smack smack some damn sense into that beotch...she is probably on welfare with 10 kids cuz that is usually the ones that are paid by the governmemnt to stay home with their legs spread and their brains gelatinizing on some chemical they shouldn't have in the first place...ugh...I hate people... **Don't judge, you were thinking the same thing...

Smack Tard #2

He was buying a pregnancy test because his girlfriend started her period on the 10th of last month but hasn't started yet this month (it was the 8th when he came in). She is also having some breast pain so he thinks it means there is a bun in the oven.

I explained to him that most women will not start on the exact same day every time and breast tenderness is pretty common also a few days prior to it. Maybe if they weren't riding dirty (without a condom) they wouldn't have to worry about a baby. Oral contraceptives aren't 100% effective anyway and heaven forbid you get beat down by your man for giving him the herps or something...

Smack that one down and castrate him for humanity's sake...

Smack Tard #3

This douche was banned from the bullseye for threatening the pharmacist's life. That pharmacist even filed a formal complaint and has a restraining order on the guy so of course he wants us to fill all of his prescriptions. Seriously, can't we find a way to pass him off on Wal-Mart with their low low prices? I enjoy spreading the pharmacy love. I have had a gun in my face, I don't want to have some psycho come over the counter because his narcotics are over a week early and no one will fill them because this smack tard sounds high on the phone and his conversation makes little to no sense. I wonder what else he is on that he gets from "cracky" on the streets...

So my boss talked to the guy Friday night and told him that we won't fill a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g early if the bullseye says it is too soon. That is our store policy (cuz we despise "cracky" and all his cohorts and wish them a slow painful death). He calls back Saturday and talks to another regular and she tells him the same thing. The bullseye faxes over his prescriptions and we leave them aside for the boss to deal with. He hates it when we do that but he is a very large man who is far more intimidating in appearance than the other short ladies and I that work there so he gets to be the bully.

I had the displeasure of talking to the guy who argued with me that Monday was the 11th, his next date of fill, and not the 10th like I told him. Too juiced to comprehend the space time continuum represented by the change of date at 12am or just stupid enough to think he could argue his way into a bottle of narcs. Pitiful...

I wanna smack smack smack that one within an inch of his life and scream "How do you like me now, b*tch?" Instead I only get the super satisfying fantasy and a kick boxing class. Damn assault laws...they really spoil my fun sometimes...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Ahoy, Unecessary Product Ahead...

Avast me hearties for a new product set sail on the seas of "I need a pill to help me." This scurvy dog is the "big new thing" in migraine relief....have you guessed yet? It's Treximet!

This magical wonderful modern chemical from GSK (this next paragraph is directly from the official Treximet site:

…superior to the ingredient in IMITREX Tablets at relieving migraine pain. TREXIMET is the only migraine treatment to combine these 2 medicines — IMITREX (sumatriptan) and prescription-strength naproxen sodium (an NSAID) — in one tablet. So it works 2 ways: it targets the nerves and blood vessels believed to trigger a migraine and relieves inflammation that can cause migraine pain.

If it was that far superior why wasn't it manufactured in the first place? This is just another prior authorization nightmare in motion when it would be far cheaper to get generic Imitrex and generic Naprosyn on almost all insurances. I see post-patent money grubbing douche-baggery as with such fine unecessary products as Paxil CR, Ambien CR, Coreg CR, Nexium, Pataday, Xyzal, Zegerid, Sarafem, Betapace AF, Cialis 2.5mg and 5mg daily packs, Clarinex, etc (definitely not an all-inclusive list, just the most irritating that come to mind). Why does the FDA let this sh*t happen? This combo was as necesary to modern medicine as the smoke monster was to the plot of "Lost." Thanks J.J. and thanks GSK!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Random Thoughts

How many more strengths of Vyvanse do we need?

Do we really want to know what "Muskrat Love" looks like? Haven't I asked that one before?

How can we have an overpopulation problem with the veritable multitude of oral contraceptives and other options available?

How high will medication copays get before everyone breaks out the torches and pitchforks to storm the insurance companies' buildings?

How many Starburst fruit chews can I eat before my Islets of Langerhans beg for mercy? Hmm, maybe I should hit them with something equivalent to a sugary nuclear apocalypse....a mocha latte and a fudge covered donut with sprinkles...that'll learn 'em...

What is my obsession with that Langerhans guy and his islets? Jeepers...

Is it taunting to sing "If I Only Had a Brain" to my robotic dispensing system?

Do I really need to get a PharmD?

How many mass produced items we sell for $4 or less come from other nations and are made of toxic materials?

Will the eco warrior princess send another nasty email about recycling this week?

If the makers of Grey Goose, Jack Daniels, and Parrot Bay rum put their beverages in mini kegs that would fit the Heineken mini keg tap/refrigerator would anyone ever need pills to make them happy?

Since the state of California is going broke and sending out IOU's for tax refunds and can't pay the Medicaid bills how long before other states face a similar predicament?

How would the character Kenneth the page from 30 Rock be if he was Kenneth the pharmacist?

Why do I laugh every time I hear a Michael Macdonald song and think of the scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Paul Rudd's character goes apesh*t over the repeated playing of Michael's concert DVD?

Why did the Xanax/Ambien abuser say that he has a broken leg when he was walking perfectly fine the morning the pharmacy manager made him leave for starting crap again?

Why do pharmacists get stuck dealing with this crap all the damn time?

How many more years before I get more vacation time?

Better yet...How many more years until I can retire???

Is it still illegal to fake my death and use an alternate identity to claim the insurance policy then disappear to some far away remote island to spend my twilight years selling seashell sculptures to tourists?