Mayday! Mayday!

I am a pain junkie which ensures that I will never be a pain pill junkie. My latest foray into pain is a multi-session tattoo that pretty much covers my whole back. I was lucky enough on my last session to be entertained by a newbie who was getting a black/gray portrait done on his upper left chest.

For the unanointed-tattoos hurt. It is a fact that having a needle jammed repeatedly into flesh really fires up those nerve endings and they are definitely not happy about it. So when newbie asked if it hurts I just giggled and said "Of course it does but after a while you just notice the sound and the vibration more than the pain." It also helps if you engage in conversation so that you are not concentrating on the needle and where it is going.

He was having a rough go. It was highly entertaining to watch him squirm and moan while I am trying to not move from laughing as an 11 gauge needle is ripping through my back. The other problem is that my tattoo guy was laughing and I had a friend with me and as he laughed harder so did I while trying not to move. It is damn near impossible not to move when in the midst of a giggle fit.

When he was finally done we left him with some parting advice along with a few tasty bites I threw in here for my sick little monkeys:

1. Be sure to tip or the next one is gonna give you an intensely bad experience for a definition of the word "hurty."

2. It's not rocket science, it's basic wound care. You don't need anything fancy. Washing a tat with your household Dial antibacterial or antibacterial hand soap is enough to keep it from getting infected.

3. DO NOT SCRATCH!! This can lead to chunks of skin coming out and taking the ink with it. I have a small spot that I did that to and will have to have it fixed.

4. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. You don't need to slather a thick ointment all over it for healing. Lubriderm lotion with no perfume is perfect to keep the tat moist so it doesn't scar as it heals. Apply multiple times per day. I apply at least four times and more if it gets itchy. I f*cking despise itchy! Again you don't need to slather a whole lot on. We are not greasing pigs we are healing a series of puncture wounds.

5. Tattoo artists tend to be a disgruntled lot because they deal with many of the same ill-planned/ill-chosen/ill-mannered/uninformed/irresponsible people that we deal with at the pharmacy. Don't be a douche because that Japanese character for "strength" is just a few needle pricks away from being the Japanese character for "retarded." Caveat douche! (translation: douche beware)

6. It hurts a million times worse to have that tattoo lasered off (doesn't it Filet) than to have it put on. Make damn sure that when you get Satan's face tattooed at the base of your penis with the shaft of said penis tattooed as Satan's tongue it is forever! (To clarify it wasn't Filet that had Satan it was a guy at a gay bar that got his jollies showing it off. It happens sometimes that's why they call me the penis whisperer. For reasons unknown many gay and straight men have been compelled to show their penis for my amusement be it Mardi Gras, tattoo, piercing, or a pitiful attempt to let me see that they are a shower not a grower. Great power comes with great responsibility and as such none of you will see my tattoo as to protect my secret identity except for a small select group of close buddies who already know about my secret power.)

I leave you with my favorite advice: When it comes to ink and penises, go big or go home! (unless you are taking it up the ass then you might want to go small on the penis but I'm not judging, I'm just saying.) Always keep it classy and drink with your pinkies out b*tches!