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Monday, February 1, 2010

Zoom Zoom!

This year I decided to do small things to make my appearance better. The first item on the list was a new hair color that my hairdresser friend will hate. I am sure he will chastise me then dye it a different color when I move closer and am able to see him more than once a year.

The next item on the list was to work out on a regular basis instead of sporadically. I have been recording shows off Fit TV at random so I have a different 20-30 minute workout each time. One show that recorded was Shimmy. For the unanointed, Shimmy is a belly dance workout that starts out all innocent then gets a little weird. It morphs into a 1980's music video minus the Whitesnake. Picture girls in belly dance outfits in industrial backdrops like a utilitarian hallway with flashing overhead lights, a coal-burning plant at night so you can see the flames, or a street with fires burning in barrels with the girls shimmying around them while the voice over tells you which body part should be shimmying.

The first time I chanced upon Shimmy I laughed to the brink of urinary sphincter failure. You can't write that sh*t but workout comedy happens. It's like watching the train wreck that is 80's jazzercise complete with bodysuits, tights, and leg warmers or Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons and a bunch of crazy fat people in busted clothing.

The next thing I did was Zoom! tooth bleaching. I am impatient with Crest Whitestrips and the many other OTC variations. I didn't want to wait several weeks for great results, I wanted results now.

The Zoom! process is not as glamorous as it seems on TV. The first step is to put a big plastic lip spreader in so there is no skin blocking your teeth. Then next step is to put a protective sealant on the gums so the bleach does not fry them like bacon. Then gauze is packed in the cheeks to protect them from bleach. After everything was put in place I felt like the cenobite from Hellraiser with the lips peeled back that chattered his teeth. All I needed was a skull cap and a leather dress then I would be "Ready for my close up, Mr. De Mill!"

The bleach was applied and I was hooked up to the special light with protective eye wear and my iPod buzzing. The bleaching itself is done in 15 minute stretches with a wipe off and reapplication of bleach between each stretch. The process is tedious, all of my bleached teeth hurt by the end, and I had a 3 hour road trip afterwards to visit friends at the beach on Florida's west coast. Good times!

I had a sensitivity gel to apply with custom trays from a tooth impression we did when I had the consult. I now have an exact replica of my teeth. It makes me feel like the Tooth Fairy in Red Dragon only I don't plan on using them as dentures. Maybe I will display them in a jar of white pebbles so that it looks like an elderly person's floating dentures. An interior decorator's dream!

The results of Zoom! are phenomenal. I was amazed at the degree of whiteness achieved from an hour of torture. As long as I take care of my teeth and do a touch up with my trays every once in a while my teeth will stay freakishly glow-in-the-blacklight celebrity white. Mission accomplished!


Anonymous said...

why do i find that you know the name of the species in hellraiser appealing...

Big 'N Tasty RPH said...

Cuz you like sick little girls...