Collateral

Open letter to anyone who does not have cash, credit, or checks. In our modern society businesses use specific forms of universally accepted currency i.e. cash, cedit, or checks. Yes, we even take those little gold "quarters" or Sacajawea dollars that you got as change from the stamp machine or public transit ticket machine (those are the only places I have ever seen them used). We do accept various vouchers, manufacturer free-trial coupons, manufacturer discount coupons, etc. for your applicable prescription. I cannot accept "collateral" for your Percocet prescription because you are short eleven dollars of the exorbitant eleven dollar and ninety-nine cent price. I cannot help that you have to catch the bus to court this morning or that you sat in the ER for six hours for those precious eight (yes, EIGHT) tablets that are on the spittle-soaked prescription paper. The pawn shop down the street opens at 8AM. We do not take credit cards over the phone. Good day, sir! I said, Good Day!

Got Meth? (Methadone, that is!)

A full moon on a Saturday night. I cover a shift for someone who is sick. This store caters to an elderly clientel. It should be the easiest overnight EVER. None of these customers are awake after 8PM and they like to pick up drugs at 8AM before church. Easy! It is 2AM. You walk in with a methadone rx for #270 tablets. There is a birthdate and a phone number written on the rx like you have been to another pharmacy and came out with the same rx and no methadone...... Time for a little fun. You say to run it for cash. I look in your extended profile. Wow, computers are magic! I see you got #270 methadone on January 1st on insurance (30 day supply), #120 on January 11th for cash (13 day supply), and now it is January 13th. Why do you need this filled tonight? All you can tell me is you "lost it or something." That is the most pathetic attempt at an early refill I have ever heard. It is almost as preposterous as a caucasian saying he is on Oxycontin for "sickle cell pain" (for those that are not aware, it is a genetic impossibility for a caucasian to have sickle cell disease. It also is a dead giveaway that this is an rx you paid an unscrupulous "pain management doctor" to write when you come in looking and smelling like a bath has not occurred as an idea to you since 1972, along with your grimy fingernails, track marks, mullet, and tattered finery. But I digress...). I tell you I have to talk to the doctor to get this approved since ALL of these have been written by same person. No amount of whining, faking pain, or threats will get you this medication at 2AM. If you are lucky I will not have the police "bitch slap" you for my viewing enjoyment before they slap the cuffs on. Have a nice morning, sunshine! Oh, I forgot to tell you as you sauntered away, defeated yet again.....I am calling your doctor anyway. If he values his license he will rethink the issuance of those methadone you so longingly crave. I think I hear violins....

Patient Self Test #1

When you go the the pharmacy to ask for a recommendation, you should:
a. Say "Hello?! Yeah, I have a question" before you get to the counter (so they know you are coming)
b. Continue speaking even if you see the pharmacist is on the phone
c. Say something under your breath, look at your watch and stare at the pharmacist impatiently

When the pharmacist is done with his phone call, you should:
a. Begin asking your question as he is moving the phone away from his ear
b. Wait until he hangs up the phone but ask before he has the chance to help anyone who may have been there before you
c. Ask him "What can I take for this cold that is going around?" and then cough in his direction without covering your mouth

When the pharmacist asks what specific symptoms you have, you should:
a. Say "You know, the aches and stuff"
b. Look at him like he is stupid when he asks what "stuff" means
c. Cough again, sigh loudly and say "I don't know, like a cold and stuff"

When the pharmacist walks out into the aisle and recommends an OTC medication, you should:
a. Hold it in your hand and stare blankly at it so that the pharmacist knows you do not believe him
b. Allow him to start walking away and then ask "So...this is the best thing to get?"
c. Put the product back on the shelf, wait 2 minutes, go to the counter, interrupt him, and have him ring you up for a different product that you picked out on your own

When the pharmacist is trying to suppress his anger while he is ringing you up, you should:
a. Tell him you picked it out because you remember seeing a commercial about colds and the medication had a "green box"
b. Ask him why it is $4.99 when the tag on the shelf said $3.99 (even though you know you are most likely wrong)
c. Shake your head in obvious disgust and then pay with a 100 dollar bill

When the pharmacist is getting your change from the register, you should:
a. Open your cell phone and start a personal phone call
b. Act like he is being rude when he trys to count out your change for you while you are talking
c. Say to your friend "No, it's ok, It's just the pharmacist talking"

When you get back in your car, you should:
a. Take double the maximum recommended dose on the box
b. Not put on your seatbelt
c. Drive off a cliff

*****

Have It My Way RPh

Bongs and dildos

I am beginning to think that anyone who owns a bong and/or a dildo could do my job. I love being treated like shit by a customer who just found out that their vicodin is NOT four bucks at Wal-mart (ha ha) and they have pharmacy hopped to find anyone that would "just fill" the vicodin and not the antibiotic on the script b/c they just spent 4 hours in the ER and 1 at McDonald's and probably a few more minutes chasing down a hooker to share the Vicodin with.
Don't pull up to the window with pillows of pot smoke pouring out of your window like you are some kind of white rapper on medicinal marijuana 2 minutes before we close and DEMAND we fill your prescription you've had for FIVE DAYS! Ladies-if your doctor gives you a prescription for a yeast infection mediction, do not lay around your home growing a loaf of bread for a week, then bitch b/c we have a 15 minute wait to just "slap a label on it". Slapping a label 101 was a very intense class that involved much use of the proper wrist technique. Besides, I have to slap labels on other people's medications b/c you are NOT the only sick person in the world!! Or at least coming into this pharmacy. Men-thank you for not knowing basic information such as your wife's date of birth, if you are the cardholder (translation: do you pay for the insurance with your paycheck), your address, your kid's dob's, etc. Thanks for holding up my line staring at me like I am a magic 8 ball. Everyone else-YES! We see that you went to the dentist! Stop bleeding on my counter, don't wipe the blood from your mouth onto the prescription and don't moan in pain in the waiting area hoping we will speed it up for you. Why didn't your dentist call the script in ahead of time? Am I the only genius around here? Speak to us nicely, gently hand the prescription over and accept the fact that when we give you a waiting time it is an estimate so don't roll your eyes, yell or fake a seizure to get your MEDICATION faster b/c it isn't a fucking pizza you are waiting on! And if you can't shut your mouth, stick a dildo in there or one of us will come over the counter and do it for you.
Love,
F

My job-My corazon

I LOVE MY JOB. I am thankful not to be addicted to methadone and have to hop around from ER to walk-in clinic to get #12 Vicodin. I am thankful I don't have 6 kids with 6 different last names and 6 different state welfare cards that I would certainly lose in my fake Gucci bag. I am thankful for never getting a lunch or break b/c I most sure would get fat! I am thankful for my 12 hour days b/c it teaches me many lessons, one of which is the day never gets any better/slower as time goes on. I am thankful that Uncle Sam takes a large sum of money out of my paycheck to line someone else's pocket. I am thankful for my great store personnel that I cannot ask a question to b/c they will surely bite my head off b/c they are truly more stressed that I stocking TP. I am thankful for the technicians that won't even wait on their own kind so that I will never accuse them of bad customer service if they are consistent. I am thankful to take small sips of water in between answering multiple questions about the cost of BP machines, getting belittled by a nurse about a mistake she made and cashiering b/c large sips would surely cause me to pee and that means less productivity for the company I work for. BAD pharmacist! I am thankful to not be religious b/c I would hate to go to church for 4 hours to redeem myself then cuss at the local pharmacist for a 10 cent increase in co-pay amount from LAST YEAR. I am thankful for college for never teaching me how to be an insurance agent. I learned on the job. Hey thanks again! I am thankful to be a pharmacist and witness the decline of health care by drug companies, my job turning into a that of a fast food employee's and the dumbing down of society for many, many reasons.
Love,
Filet

It isn't ON SALE?

In my attempts to decipher the garbled mumbo jumbo from a what seemed to be a pretty smart gal's mouth, I made the mistake of suggesting an OTC product that matched each and every one of her multiple symptoms. I left my fishbowl, waving goodbye to my technicians knowing that I would be pummeled in the aisle with such lovely questions as "where is the toilet cleaner" or "can I drop my film off with you honey?". I lovingly hand selected the item and proudly handed the item to the customer. My OTC professor would have been so proud of my selection--McNeil too, of course. The lady quickly scanned the item and glanced at the other cough/cold meds. "WHAT?! IT ISN'T ON SALE? I CANNOT TAKE THIS!!!" and threw the item back at me and grabbed a box of $1.99 Claritin. Well FUCK YOU TOO.
Love,
Filet