Face First

A 1.75 liter bottle of 360 Vodka is a magically smooth and beautiful alcoholic creation. It goes down so smooth that judging your level of intoxication can be a very tricky endeavor.

Such was the case Sunday when a couple of friends (gay male A and gay male B) stayed with me to party the weekend away. It started out innocent enough with fried appetizers, cocktails, and shots for lunch because spending a weekend off with friends shouldn't be wasted in any other way then we returned to my house. I had an active ear infection at the time so I put in my Ciprodex drops and retired for a 2 hour nap while they drank and watched Mama Mia. The plan was to go to a club at 10PM to catch a drag show and some free drinks.

I was awakened by the chirping sounds I recognize as "I am scared and confused." coming from my cockatiels. They quit making noise so I decided to stay in bed for a few more minutes then I hear a thud. Friend A comes in to wake me up and simply says "Please get up, we have a problem." I am assuming something got broken.

I walk into my kitchen and see friend B laying face down on the floor with his pants and undies down around his ankles. I laughed so hard I almost fell over myself. A was concerned that we may need to call an ambulance but he didn't want to because he was afraid they would think he was trying to rape B and they probably wouldn't take "I swear I'm a bottom!" as a good excuse not to involve the police.

So I spent the next 10 minutes between giggles telling B to pull his pants up because he was showing everything and I wasn't up for the free show today. Finally I gave it a last effort and told B I was going to pee and he damn well better have his pants on when I got back.

He repantsed himself and laid on the couch. I tell A to go ahead and start getting ready for clubbing and we would just have to leave B at home. So throughout the time I was getting ready A and I would ask B a barrage of questions to see if he had some brain hemorrhage or if he was just severely intoxicated. Of course he failed any attempt at sobriety questions but he wasn't really having problems besides confusion and a wicked headache. So he asked us "WTF just happened?" then went to bed.

We went clubbing and on departure A was lighting a cigarette and dropped it on the ground. He fell over in the dirt in a futile attempt to retrieve it and maintain some semblance of composure because a policeman was sitting not 10 feet away watching it all go down. Mission failed. I asked him if he needed help getting up so officer friendly wouldn't take anymore interest in our little show.

We made it home and the next morning B had a gigantic black eye where face met floor the night before. He didn't believe us when we told him his pants were around his ankles while he mated with my floor. I knew I should have taken pics. We assumed he was headed for the bathroom and dropped trow too soon and so ended up on the floor.

Moral of the story, don't drink 1.5 of the 1.75 liter bottle of 360 Vodka by yourself and top it off with two small bottles of Jagermeister. I offered to chauffeur him to the hospital for a liter of D5W and a liter of normal saline IV push and perhaps an MRI but he decided to suffer for two days and then had to fly home with a shiner. I bet airport security thought twice about letting him on the plane. His mom thought it was goth makeup because it was deep dark purple all the way around. I was hoping she would have thought I beat him up...hilarious!