Light It Up

So tell me if you've heard this one before. A 43 year old woman walks into a store at the Mall of the Americas in Miami called Savage Boutique. She then douses herself with a flammable liquid to become a femme flambe and slowly sashay through the mall for approximately 2 & 1/2 minutes while shoppers watch in shock and two put her out with fire extinguishers but she keeps moving out into the parking lot. The smell of barbecue permeates the scene as paramedics rush her to the hospital with 3rd degree burns. A bystander said "This woman is just walking like this, (holding his arms out to simulate the flames and walking slowly), super slow, completely on fire."

Now I am no expert on psychosis but I can guess this lady had many issues and challenges. I wonder what pushed her over the edge. Did she lose her house? Did she have a major death in the family? Did she have an underlying chemical imbalance? Did she lose her job? Did DCFS take her children? Did her man/woman leave abruptly? Was she lonely and desperate for attention or affection? Was it a combination of any or all of these factors? No one knows. Hell, she will be "lucky" if she survives the burns and gets some psych help.

I can think of a thousand ways to die that are unpleasant. If you are going to do a "cry for help" spectacle I do not recommend anything painful and scarring. Most people either cut themselves or try their hand at an overdose, or develop an eating disorder but really if you feel that you are on your last leg I definitely recommend some different strategies.

1. Break something. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or expensive. A plate works great because they usually break into big pieces that are easy to clean up later, unless you have Corelle, then you will be frustrated that the damn thing just bounces off the floor to mock you and your anger.

2. Hit something. Hitting animals or people can get you into legal trouble so find something reasonably soft so as not to damage yourself in the anger management process. Pillows, upholstered furniture, gym bags, bean bags, etc. will take the abuse and not fracture a bone in your hand.

3. Yard work. Nothing relaxes me like taking a pole saw to a few tree limbs. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about a pole saw is basically a small chainsaw on a stick. It allows for some tree or bush cutting anger release with all the added danger of a regular chainsaw. Okay, strike that... Probably not a good idea after all...

New 3. Scream at someone. Telemarketers are awesome for this! Let one of those f*ckers call when I am in a bad mood and I guarantee they will never call again! I just know my number has a notation of "evil b*tch monster" or something similar on it so they know not to call or make a newbee call as a terrible training joke. If they are calling for donations they will get the "f*cking government takes all my money so I don't have any left over for charity" speech that probably rates below "evil b*tch monster" but higher than "mouthy snatch."

4. Write it down. A journal or typing on a computer can be a magical drain for all your hateful and self deprecating thoughts. When you are done you can read it and see how ridiculous you sound or delete/destroy it so no one sees how crazy or mean you can get.

5. Cry. I know many people live with the delusion that they have to be happy all the time and a perfect homemaker or parent. Hell, billions of dollars are spent on these delusions and have built empires for drug companies and home and garden companies for years. Don't put yourself in that position! We succeed because we learn from our inherent failures.

Look at the great inventors. What if Alexander Graham Bell gave up on the "telephone" or if Thomas Edison gave up on the light bulb? What if George Washington Carver gave up on domesticating the peanut? Where would my delicious peanut butter come from cuz I am not making it myself, Martha. The point is that one great thing comes from a thousand or so failures. It's just like that Kenny Rogers song said "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away when the dealing is done."

So the next time you are super angry or super depressed follow one of my suggestions then dust yourself off and get help if you need it. Remember there are specialized services to fit your needs: credit counselors, life coaches, substance abuse counselors, various support groups, financial planners, and psychiatric counselors. If you need to, use them because anything is better than being flambeed!