This holiday season involved air travel. I spent my week of overnights prior to waltzing with airport security stewing in the rhinovirus that decided my body was a tasty haven to start overpopulating. I took my last night off so I could wallow in my own "sick" and have a half-assed chance at making it to my destination in one slobbbery, coughing, mucus-filled piece.
While on my holiday adventure with friends and family, my rhinovirus made some very powerful friends of its own. The multi-state adventure brought about a multi-state, multi-virus party and I was the guest of honor. I am still amazed at how much snot the human body can produce and is still producing. I can say that my besties this year were Dayquil, Nyquil, Puffs pocket packs, and Hall's strawberry cough drops (Dear companies aforementioned. Feel free to send me free samples as I am still sick and still using your products. They may be sent to Patient Zero.)
So I bade my family farewell as I drove to the airport with my besties and luggage in tow. Christmas day is not the best day for travel but my overnights started that night so I had to get back because my corporate paymasters would not give me the day off even though all the higher ups were not in the office....bastards...
Airport security makes me ditch the diet Mountain Dew that is keeping me mobile because I did not get the memo that 8 ounces of soda is enough to blow up a plane. Maybe I should stop drinking it because if it can destroy a plane I owe my liver and kidneys a sincere apology. Then my flight is changed. Doom. I feel like I have been digested and shat out by Jabba the Hutt and I see a swarm of people with small children at the gate to my plane.
Dear God, what have I done to offend thee? I just did what your church wants and celebrated your son's birthday with my family and friends. Is that not enough? Was I supposed to sacrifice a goat or something? Was it because I forgot the frankincense? I brought gold and Spider-man toys. Isn't that enough? Oh yeah, it is because I think organized religion is cultist bullshit so I am blessed with the ever so wonderfully relaxing screaming baby flight. Not just one screaming baby but two that are loud enough to be heard over noise cancelling headphones with the volume at eardrum shattering levels. That is an accomplishment. The connecting flight is no better but mercifully shorter.
I collect my luggage, pay the exorbitant parking fee to retrieve my car, and head home to feed the animals, bury any that have died, grab my work jacket, and pretend to give a f**k as my rhino friends beat my ass to the sound of Code Orange. I owe the annoying little c**t that does that commercial a punch in the face and a foot up the ass. Every time I hear it my will to live shrivels and cries.
So I am at work after not sleeping for 2 days, suffering viral meltdown, listening to bullshit commercials and having fueled this excursion with pop-tarts that I ate 10 hours ago and otc meds. I am starving and F**king exhausted. So I have my own Code Orange consisting of Cheetos and a Butterfinger. That is by no means helping me as the Cheetos make me want to vomit about an hour later and I don't have my iPOD because in my delirium I forgot to grab it as I dashed to work to help the 3 f**king non-emergency customers that I had all night. I should have called in sick and put in my 2 weeks notice. F**k this. I can hire on with another company tomorrow and get a sign-on bonus. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind many many times. I am really not feeling it right now and the corporate paymasters care not. I am just a body filling a space to be shat upon at their leisure and told what to do.
At this point I am a full grown Grumpalumpagus.
Grumpalumpagus: noun, a person who is inhabited by a really really mean spirited and uncaring alien that leads to a rapidly deteriorating disposition, kind of like how Scientologists believe our souls are aliens inhabiting our monkey bodies, again religion is cultist bullshit
So all I want now is a Nyquil nap and some Thai red curry and panang sauces with chicken and rice to obliterate the viral army invading my system and give me a shot at nourishment before I get another round of diarrhea from the dextromethorphan I have been using for a week. Take that germs!
So to tie it all together, I would not mind if today's Code Orange was poisoned Kool-Aid. Oh yeah!
****Since I believe in magic, Santa brought me the bestest Christmas present in the whole wide world. I guarantee nobody got a better gift! The douche bag that stuck a gun in my face got arrested with his little robber buddies because one of them pissed off a girlfriend and she told the police. You can look it up on the Miami Herald web site. Happy Holidays!
****Disclaimer, God had nothing to do with the screaming children on the plane. It was Christmas Day and the flight was to Orlando. Duh, it was going to be full of screaming holiday, taking you to Disney even though you are too young to remember it bullshit. I just use God for dramatic flair and he uses me for endless hours of viewing entertaiment like a sitcom.