Ionically Yours

Dear Caller,

Some days I am glad I wasted thousands of dollars taking chemistry and physics courses so you can call and ask me about ionic function on your hair dryer. Really? You didn't read the blurb on the box where it told you what the button did?

You probably bought it because it said this on the box:

Dries 50% faster with 1/2 the heat
Helps prevent split ends and frizzies
Makes your hair fuller, shinier and softer
Makes styling and drying your hair easy
Leaves hair healthier & more manageable
Preserves natural oils and seals in moisture
1875 Watts of drying power


Then you had to bother me because you did not read this on the box:

How does it work?

Charged ions delivered with warm air, break down water molecules, which are then easily absorbed by your hair.

Charged ions bond water droplets onto the hair shaft. Water molecules are broken down into 1/50 their normal size. Moisture is then easily absorbed by the hair shaft, making each one plumper & fuller.

The Ionic Hair Dryer was developed to help restore, fortify and beautify your hair. It emits millions of charged particles called ions that bond to your hair, breaking down moisture molecules with very little heat.

It utilizes 1/2 the heat in 1/2 the time leaving your hair up to twice as shiny as before. Your hair absorbs the smaller molecules and cell damage is reduced while nutrients are sealed inside each hair shaft. The moisturizing effect makes even thinner hair look fuller, shinier and softer.

I will tell you from experience that it does not deliver on the package's promise. I hope you did not waste an exorbitant amount of your hard earned money on this sales gimmick. If you did, I suggest returning it for a full refund or exchange for a nice regular hair dryer.

In the future I hope you will only present me with queries of a medical nature.

Ionically Yours,

Big N Tasty

I've Got Your Code Right Here

This holiday season involved air travel. I spent my week of overnights prior to waltzing with airport security stewing in the rhinovirus that decided my body was a tasty haven to start overpopulating. I took my last night off so I could wallow in my own "sick" and have a half-assed chance at making it to my destination in one slobbbery, coughing, mucus-filled piece.

While on my holiday adventure with friends and family, my rhinovirus made some very powerful friends of its own. The multi-state adventure brought about a multi-state, multi-virus party and I was the guest of honor. I am still amazed at how much snot the human body can produce and is still producing. I can say that my besties this year were Dayquil, Nyquil, Puffs pocket packs, and Hall's strawberry cough drops (Dear companies aforementioned. Feel free to send me free samples as I am still sick and still using your products. They may be sent to Patient Zero.)

So I bade my family farewell as I drove to the airport with my besties and luggage in tow. Christmas day is not the best day for travel but my overnights started that night so I had to get back because my corporate paymasters would not give me the day off even though all the higher ups were not in the office....bastards...

Airport security makes me ditch the diet Mountain Dew that is keeping me mobile because I did not get the memo that 8 ounces of soda is enough to blow up a plane. Maybe I should stop drinking it because if it can destroy a plane I owe my liver and kidneys a sincere apology. Then my flight is changed. Doom. I feel like I have been digested and shat out by Jabba the Hutt and I see a swarm of people with small children at the gate to my plane.

Dear God, what have I done to offend thee? I just did what your church wants and celebrated your son's birthday with my family and friends. Is that not enough? Was I supposed to sacrifice a goat or something? Was it because I forgot the frankincense? I brought gold and Spider-man toys. Isn't that enough? Oh yeah, it is because I think organized religion is cultist bullshit so I am blessed with the ever so wonderfully relaxing screaming baby flight. Not just one screaming baby but two that are loud enough to be heard over noise cancelling headphones with the volume at eardrum shattering levels. That is an accomplishment. The connecting flight is no better but mercifully shorter.

I collect my luggage, pay the exorbitant parking fee to retrieve my car, and head home to feed the animals, bury any that have died, grab my work jacket, and pretend to give a f**k as my rhino friends beat my ass to the sound of Code Orange. I owe the annoying little c**t that does that commercial a punch in the face and a foot up the ass. Every time I hear it my will to live shrivels and cries.

So I am at work after not sleeping for 2 days, suffering viral meltdown, listening to bullshit commercials and having fueled this excursion with pop-tarts that I ate 10 hours ago and otc meds. I am starving and F**king exhausted. So I have my own Code Orange consisting of Cheetos and a Butterfinger. That is by no means helping me as the Cheetos make me want to vomit about an hour later and I don't have my iPOD because in my delirium I forgot to grab it as I dashed to work to help the 3 f**king non-emergency customers that I had all night. I should have called in sick and put in my 2 weeks notice. F**k this. I can hire on with another company tomorrow and get a sign-on bonus. Don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind many many times. I am really not feeling it right now and the corporate paymasters care not. I am just a body filling a space to be shat upon at their leisure and told what to do.

At this point I am a full grown Grumpalumpagus.

Grumpalumpagus: noun, a person who is inhabited by a really really mean spirited and uncaring alien that leads to a rapidly deteriorating disposition, kind of like how Scientologists believe our souls are aliens inhabiting our monkey bodies, again religion is cultist bullshit

So all I want now is a Nyquil nap and some Thai red curry and panang sauces with chicken and rice to obliterate the viral army invading my system and give me a shot at nourishment before I get another round of diarrhea from the dextromethorphan I have been using for a week. Take that germs!

So to tie it all together, I would not mind if today's Code Orange was poisoned Kool-Aid. Oh yeah!




****Since I believe in magic, Santa brought me the bestest Christmas present in the whole wide world. I guarantee nobody got a better gift! The douche bag that stuck a gun in my face got arrested with his little robber buddies because one of them pissed off a girlfriend and she told the police. You can look it up on the Miami Herald web site. Happy Holidays!

****Disclaimer, God had nothing to do with the screaming children on the plane. It was Christmas Day and the flight was to Orlando. Duh, it was going to be full of screaming holiday, taking you to Disney even though you are too young to remember it bullshit. I just use God for dramatic flair and he uses me for endless hours of viewing entertaiment like a sitcom.

A Stupid Human Trick

A car pulls in the drive-thru. The lady hands in a prescription for Adderall that she said we were supposed to have in stock because the other store called us at 5PM to make sure we had it. It was 10:55PM when she showed up at my pharmacy....

The tech hands me the prescription. I told him to give it back to her and explain that we cannot fill it because it is from a podiatrist (foot doctor). She was pissed off. My tech laughed as he walked out the door to go home....."I think she is coming in....have a good night..."

She stomped her way back to the pharmacy wielding her cell phone like a gladiator. She proceeds to call the other store (pharmacy not 24 hours but the store is) and tears the assistant manager (who has absolutely nothing to do with prescriptions) a new asshole while glaring at me like I am a child to be dismissed. I am not amused.

After yelling at him for 10 minutes she wants me to fill the prescription so I tell her again that it is illegal for a foot doctor to write a prescription for a class two (highly controlled because of its addictive properties) psychiatric medication. I had to break it down 5th grade cuz she was obviously not a bright crayon in any box.

She yells and wants my manager so I explain that the pharmacy manager will be in Monday morning and that the store manager has nothing to do with prescriptions. She still wants him so I page. I explain the situation and she starts to yell. I am helping other customers while she throws a tantrum. The other customers are laughing and for that I envy them because I am already in trouble for getting in a shouting match with another douche-bag because he pushed me too far. (I can't even blog about that one because it is a board of pharmacy investigation in progress. If we can't bow down and lick your feet then try to get us fired. I hate douche bags...)

Anyway, all the other customers are long gone and still she yells so I have to give her a verbal bitch-slap. "Mam, what you are not understanding is that this prescription is illegal. I do not care if the other pharmacy is willing to break the law for you but I will not." So she starts yelling at me to look in her profile and see that she has been on this for years. I tell her no because that has nothing to do with this prescription.

Then she throws her foot up on the counter to show me her walking cast and bandaged toes. I again reiterate: no psyche drugs from a foot doc. So she screams about how she had to get a ride over here and she can't walk (she sure stomped her mangled foot back to the pharmacy faster than I even walk from the front of the store to the pharmacy so she isn't hurting that bad she is just being a drama queen because our society has adopted the "if they scream they can have it policy" which is total bullshit when it comes to pharmacy law). I again reiterate: no psyche drugs from a foot doc.

Then she gives a sob story about how she cannot get to her doctor to get an Adderall prescription so this doctor talked to him about writing it for her. (Bullshit...he just wrote that prescription to get that crazy bitch out of his office as I have found many docs have done in the past, even had a few tell me that if I was not comfortable with it not to fill it because they did not care either way... That just proves that docs put up with as much or more bullshit than we do. We all know that most patients lie to their docs anyway out of some doggy desire to appear obedient and not be told that they need a diet and exercise regimen...but I digress)

We are at the point in the scream-fest where I toy with the idea of hitting the magic shiny red candy like button that summons ye ol' swat team. Wouldn't that be a glorious sight to behold......twenty of police's finest armed to the teeth, covered in helmets and body armor, pointing assault rifles at this crazy bitch and scaring the bejesus out of her.....I smile a little inside because that mental picture calms me and instills a little bit of joy...

I finally tell her that her doc that she sees for psychiatric meds can write the prescription and mail it to her. She screams at me that that is illegal. I laugh at her and the manager tells her it is time to go or we will have her escorted from the store.

Damn the pharmacist to hell that sent that one to me. I HATE it when a pharmacist does not have the balls to tell a patient that we either cannot fill it because it is illegal or because their have been fakes out of that office. The only good thing is that the crazy bitch will be stomping to that pharmacy to tear that pharmacist and the pharmacy manager both new assholes.

Seriously, honesty is the best policy. This includes situations where you know the patient is going to scream or threaten to find you when you get off work. Don't just tell them you don't have it in stock. That message has even been sent down from the corporate office several times in the past and makes me want to contact the regional supervisor but I won't because I know the crazy bitch will do that for me.

Best Product Title Ever!

I was shopping at my local Walgreen's to avoid the holiday mayhem at larger retailers. I saw it and I had to buy it. Not to mention it was time for a change.

Kitty Diggin's

If you have not seen the product or have no idea why I find it soooooo funny, it is cat litter. You can laugh now.

Kitty Diggin's

It makes me laugh like a complete brain dead moron or a young school girl before she finds out about the real world and all the real horrors it contains.

So just keep this one in your back pocket for a really harsh day of retail and when people ask you why you can't stop laughing. Give them these two words of comedic wisdom:

Kitty Diggin's

.....and tell them it is cat litter....can't you just picture a cat digging around in there, not to mention that dogs find Kitty Diggin's coated surprises delicious...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Frownie Face

Frownie Face a.k.a. Scowlie Face is an epidemic plaguing retail pharmacists worldwide. We may look pissed but we are not. Please don't ask if "something is wrong" or if we are "in a bad mood." It is just the way our facial muscles relax after a day of fake smiling at the dumb ass antics of humanity all work day long.

It is especially trying with the holiday venom spewed by the shopping public. No longer is cheer and good will towards others the norm. These happy sentiments have been replaced by the "I shopped all day to please people I don't really like that well and added to my hellacious credit card debt that I will never be able to pay back and I am going to take it out on you" public. To those people I wish "Peace and Brotherly Love" because they are the ones who need it most. (Even if I say it sarcastically as I flip them the bird while they walk away after a most unholy confrontation.)

With copay increases imminent after January 1, the epidemic of Frownie Face grows. Remember to be courteous to your neighborhood pill counter. We don't want to break out the old school hoodoo but we might if you push us too far.

*****Disclaimer*****I do not have a great deal of experience with hoodoo but I am a quick study. I do realize that even with the disclaimer some dumb ass will be offended. Tell it to Jesus because I don't care what you think and it is his birthday that you shame with your obsessive commercialism not mine.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Modern Life

A tablet here, an elixir there
Alchemical monstrosities
Become corporate overlords

A sniffle, a tumor, a sneeze
You are programmed
To seek them in need

Bow to your new masters
For you cannot survive
The germs without them

An unnecessary need to fight
Your ills and woes with
The latest chemical concoction

Financially strapped
In the pursuit of health and perfection
No cries for help answered

Fall to your knees and see your doom



Oh yeah, it is the countdown to January 1, 2008. That is the magical doomsday for prescription copays to increase across the boards. I can hear it now....."they didn't send me any notice"....."you are charging too much"...."you need to tell your computer that the price is too high"...."I am going to another pharmacy"...."you need to call my insurance"... I can't wait! This year I am changing my name from Big N Tasty to Gloom N Doom. That ain't no happy meal!

I will be dashing all your little New Year's Resolutions, hopes, and dreams with your new copays on your antidepressants along with formulary changes necessitating the ever-lengthy prior authorization process! Oh noooo, many companies are dropping Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis all together....that will make for some sad limping soldiers. I hope your children weren't planning on going to college.....and don't forget to cancel that fabulous vacation you have been planning and saving for these past 5 years cuz it is all gonna be coming up copays!

And that's not all.....you will probably be paying even higher premiums based on the lazy fat-asses and smokers on your plan because they pose the risk of lengthy expensive hospital stays and multiple medication bills! It's time to drop Alli in everything in the vending machine and appetite supressants the water cooler! You could even make a game out of pouring water over everyone who lights up a smoke on their break. Even better, spray them with a non-toxic fire extinguisher and film it. It will be a You-Tube classic for sure! How's that for an interesting office...

So with all that, my retail bretheren, stock up on the Alka-Seltzer and energy drinks and strap yourself in for a bumpy ride!

Happy New Year!

Drive Thru Bell Rock

(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock)

Drive-thru bell, drive-thru bell, drive-thru bell ring
Along with the phones among other things
Filling and checking you drugs is not fun
Now the drive-thru hop has begun.

Drive-thru bell, drive-thru bell, drive-thru bell ring
Drive-thru bells chime for crazy me time
Filling and checking your drive-thru fare
In the pharmacy.

What a hard time, it's a bad time
To work the night away
Drive-thru bell time is a hell time
To glide through my lane in an Escalade
Questions about your pills? Have a nice day!
Go home to your family
So I can have lunch and get off my sore feet

That's the drive-thru bell
That's the drive-thru bell
That's the drive-thru bell rock!