Ancient Chinese Secret (or was it Japanese?)

I stay up late, very late, which affords me the luxury of infomercials. Man, Ron Popeil is a late night icon. Who could survive without a pocket fisherman or my favorite a rotisserie cooker. I actually bought that one and it cooks some awesome meat. Basically a lot of those items end up in our "As Seen On TV" sales section at McDruggie's and sometimes other counseling nightmares from TV appear.

I was horrified to see a h-u-g-e display of Kinoki foot pads in front of the entrance to the store on my way out yesterday morning. I only noticed it because a manager was staring at it in deep thought. I felt it my obligation to save this man $20.

1. The human body has its own waste disposal systems that do not excrete through the feet. We are not trees rooted in the ground. This "reasoning" would be sound if we were rooted but we are not. There are arteries that carry blood, nutrients, and oxygen to every extremity of the body and conversely there are veins that return this blood carrying waste products to the spleen, liver, kidneys, and lungs for breakdown and/or disposal (depends on the site, for example the lungs exchange carbon dioxide waste for nutrient oxygen). We pee and poop to get rid of most wastes. If we sent out waste like trees we would simply bleed to death.

2. If you are hemorrhaging through the feet you should be in the ICU at your closest hospital.

3. Slick graphics, a good presentation and "miraculous" testimonials do not make a good product THEY MAKE A GOOD SELL. Make people think they need it, fortify it with "ancient orient secrets" and put a pretty package on it and it will sell because people are stupid. How many of you owned a pet rock??? Well, it made someone a multi-millionaire and I never bought one...

4. Cellulite does not come out of pores in the feet. These fatty tissue cells are far too large to pass through the skin barrier. What analysis did they use to know it was cellulite? A circle on a graphic? That is bullshit! It is preying upon the millions of suckers who buy things that will make them thin while eating everything they want. It does not work that way so put down the doughnut and take a long walk. Dietary changes and exercise are the only REAL way to lose and keep off weight.

5. They show a graphic of "toxins" in human hair follicles. What were the amounts measured and what methodology was used for testing? I guarantee if they tested hair follicles from someone who dyes it the "toxins" will come up in vastly different amounts that someone with their natural hair color. And seriously, were these people working in a waste disposal plant? Most people will never have any of these "toxins" in the body unless they work around them for a living.

6. The testimonial from the lady with migraines is complete bullshit. The foot pads did not make the migraines go away. It is a scientific fact that stress and lack of sleep can increase frequency and intensity for many migraine sufferers. This dumb ass fell for the placebo effect. She "knew" it would work which helped her sleep at night and decrease her stress levels because the "magic" foot pads were detoxing her body and soul. Dumb ass.

7. Ignorance is bliss. Medically that is what we like to call the placebo effect. I could give you a piece of candy every day for a month and tell you that it will relax you. You will believe this and be calmer, sleep better, and feel better but nothing has changed but your perception of how to feel after taking the candy "pill" that I gave you. This always shows up in scientific research. There has not been a study done on people that has not shown this effect. It does not happen with lab animals because they do not perceive things the same way we do so there is no gullibility in the data, only cold hard scientific fact.

8. We have been programmed by advertisers to want more, want better, want fast and not complain about the expense or the lack of quality or results from the promise. It is like finding out how an illusion works so the next time you see it you are completely disappointed. Mac Air? Anyone who spends $1700 on a thin computer that doesn't even have DVD burning capabilities is a dumb ass. F-U Steve Jobs, it won't be a good gaming computer either. What a rip-off. Oh, don't forget the first generation iphone and ipod touch....wastes of money that sold millions only to be replaced by a nicer model or price reduction later.

9. I have started to ramble and abuse my digital soap-box so I will wrap it up now.

There used to be a saying that "the proof is in the pudding." That was from way back before Jell-O instant pudding when you had to actually cook it on a stove without burning it or making a sickly rubbery mess. I don't think that one applies anymore....cooking pudding, what a heresy, thanks Jell-O! My warning will be this: Trust no one. This includes advertisers, politicians, reporters, celebrities, blogs (because they can be set up by an advertiser to promote a product, mostly movies, I really f**king hate when they do that), and sources that are poorly documented. Trust only thorough research. There are many consumer advocacy groups that test products for you. Consumer Reports is the best but there are many more. Shop smart and do some research before you waste your money, hopes, and expectations on "magic" and empty promises or testimonials.

Pregnancy Woes

As if carrying a baby for nine months wasn't bad enough with nausea, vomiting, bloating, sex being really awkward, having to pee all the time, weird food cravings, back pain, trying to get comfortable sleeping, then either squeezing it out of your vagina or being gutted like a fish to take it out (Cesarean), you see another story in the news where a man killed a pregnant woman and tried to hide the body. It simply disgusts me.

The highest death rate worldwide for pregnant women is homicide. Really, you say???? With all the complications and diseases out there in this great big wide world homicide still tops the list??? Yes, indeed.

We live in a very morbid world where killing someone carrying a baby is easier than getting an abortion. Now, I don't want to really dig deep into the pro-life versus pro-choice argument but I have a serious problem with homicide of a pretty much defenseless woman, depending how far along she is. The reason why it is so bad is because the douche-bags that kill them almost always file a missing persons report and act all concerned, go on TV and make a plea for their return because of the baby, etc. knowing that they already know the outcome and location of the body and have no remorse for the act of killing.

I can be cold, even cruel, at times but I would only kill someone out of self defense. I am sure in every case she did not "attack" the killer because almost all of these murders show no signs of struggle at the murder location (usually the place of residence) but the victim's body shows bruising, skin under the fingernails, cuts, etc. Their vehicle is dumped or the killer will tell authorities that "she went for a walk, went to the neighbors, took the dog for a walk" etc. I call shenanigans!

Instead of protesting and/or bombing abortion clinics we should let the pro-lifers stone these killers to death. It would be a fitting end to a douche-bag and let the pro-lifers work through a lot of anger and frustration. I do realize most pro-lifers are non-violent. This applies only to the radicals who use force to make a statement. Nothing I like better than an Easter Sunday rally at Planned Parenthood..."Put on your Sunday best kids, we're going to put out the good word to the bad folks and save some babies!"

But seriously, if you intend to get pregnant or accidentally get pregnant, have a private investigator check out the financial and mental stability of your man so you don't have to be paranoid that he might kill you. You have enough pregnancy fun ahead...





Answers to questions I am sure will pop up:
1. I am pro-choice.
2. I am not sure that "God" exists because there is no scientific proof.
3. I crack religious jokes because I was raised Roman Catholic but have other religions in my family such as Protestant, Baptist, Mormon, and Buddhism. I respect every one's beliefs but they sure do lend themselves to easy comedy.
4. I do not have any children nor have I ever been pregnant.
5. I will have a thorough background check on any man with balls enough to marry or have children with me.

Shame On You

A H-U-G-E "shame on you" to the Whole Foods employee that told a lady she could make a special tea out of red clover and some specialty tree bark extract they had and shoot it into her vagina with a bulb syringe to shrink an ovarian cyst.

First of all, how dare you, with no formal medical training give her a "treatment" that amounts to nothing more than a wish, a dream, a skin irritant, and possibly a trip to the hospital because she has fibroids in her uterus that will probably get inflamed from hot pH balance destroying fluid you told her to put there.

You think McDonalds got sued big for hot coffee in the lap well you are staring down the barrel of a wreckless endangerment gun that will leave a larger hole on exit than the tea-scalded vagina you could have caused. I guarantee Whole Foods would feed you to the wolves because legally no herbal supplements sold in the U.S. may be sold or marketed as a treatment for any disease unless the drug application testing and procedures have been followed, filed, and approved by the FDA. Your "treatment" is nowhere in that realm.

Second of all, douche bags like you send hundreds of people to a real doctor by making something worse or creating a whole new problem with the "healthy, earthy" bullshit alternative. Alternative medicine is not real medicine.

I had a lady come in because one of the douche bags recommended a homeopathic cough syrup for her 4 year old. She comes to me two days later because he is coughing worse and she can't get any sleep. She said that she knows I would tell her that it wouldn't work because it is homeopathic. Duh, you are in the pharmacy looking for a real cough syrup.

The most wonderful way to prove that homeopathic tonics do not work is public drinking water. There are trace amounts of female hormones, Prozac, opiates, etc. in almost all U.S. tap water. I and millions of others drink it all the time. I am in an area profuse with old ladies on hormones, tons of people on anti-depressants, and illegal opiates, hallucinogens, uppers, downers, and designer candy everywhere the rich kids are (who am I kidding its not just the rich kids getting f*cked up all the time anymore). I am neither extremely happy and stable all the time nor am I tripping my rocks off from all the street candy in the water.

Suck on that douche bags and quit pretending to be medical messiahs so real medical professionals are not bothered with fixing and preventing the damage that you do with wishes and magic water.

Weekend Recap

"Woo hoo!" to another weekend in the trenches at McDruggie's. It has been a fun filled romp full of "Where's the soap?" and "Do you sell eggs?". For a moment I imagined myself as Apu from the Quickie Mart on The Simpsons. I had to bite my tongue to not say "Thank you, come again.." and "Don't stick your face in the squishie machine!"

It continued with an onslaught of junkies looking for a roxicodone fix. I am not touching an rx from a doctor who was fired from a rehab clinic and fined by the state for writing roxicodone rxs out of his house. Oh, and neither did the 6 other 24-hour pharmacies she went to. Then she called Sunday night thinking she would get a different pharmacist.....nope, still the evil drug-nazi that isn't filling that rx. Another guy tried the same thing with another md that was the previously mentioned md's partner at the rehab clinic. He was also removed from the rehab clinic for the same reason. I didn't even bother to see if he had been fined I was just not in a mood to play games.

Then it was back to my lady liberty give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free (from illness and the emergency room) daily routine. It is those moments that make my six years of higher education worth the payments I am still making. I am satisfied when I can help children, the elderly, people who are seriously feeling like they have been beaten and left for dead, and my regulars who come in for good service, a mediocre comedy routine, and if they're lucky a bit of generic corporate music karaoke and dance and their favorite reason of all....I remember their names, each and every one. The dance moves are only included towards the end of the week. The more I work, the crazier and more shameless I get!

So, to wrap it all up, I have just completed 7 nights in a row and will knock out night 8 tonight. I will celebrate my first true day of freedom with a long nap, some cocktails, and The New York Dolls in concert! I am so excited I could crawl out of my skin...

Remember folks, the 9:30 show is never the same as the 7:30 show and don't forget to tip your waitress! If you don't she might put phenolphthalein in your drink so you have a punishingly wicked case of the squirts.....

R.I.P. To My Retail Career

It is with a heavy heart, a pint of fudge ripple, and a bottle of Jack Daniels that I write this post. I have been in a retail pharmacy for almost 12 years. I have witnessed some crazy shite in my locations and other locations around me.

Ther are many reasons to be fired from a job but mine has got to be one of the most rediculous. I fell asleep on the job and the loss prevention investigator popped in for a nigt check.

I am going to wallo in self pity and sleep it off. I will pik up teh pieces later and hunt for a new job in a few days.

Glad I Wasn't This Guy!!!!!

http://www.newsvine.com/_tools/seed?popoff=0&u=http://www.local10.com/news/15740021/detail.html

Or go to www.local10.com and watch the Walgreens robbery footage with sound on. It makes me wonder if retail is worth it.....

I know one manager that may be in early retirement and getting a new car from Walgreens...

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

The spirit of competition is what drives the consumer goods market, sporting events, beauty pageants, trivia tournaments, and daily life. These are merely a small sampling of what competition can do and by no means an all-inclusive list.

I love it when someone wants to brag about the fancy new $100,000 car they are driving. I giggle to myself because they are trying to say that they are better than me. I know deep down in that person's overextended credit that it is merely a lease and not something they could ever afford if they were making a real payment which would be $4000 instead of the $1850 a month they pay to lease it. Seriously, it is just a car. If you cannot afford it, don't drive it. I see bankruptcy in your future because I also know the interest only mortgage you took out to buy a McMansion is slowly choking you to financial death. So no, you are not better than me because I can afford the things I have and my car is paid for in 6 more payments. I don't have to give it back to the dealer, drop $2000 as a down payment, and lease another car for $2000 a month. So nah nah nah nah nah! I win.

I also love it when someone wants to brag about their fancy education. "I went to Harvard..." Well sir, I think ivy league schools are for people with tiny penises, bitter insecurity issues, and controlling families. It is like that bald 40-something driving a Corvette convertible or a tricked out Hummer. Sorry you have a small penis...maybe a nose job and some hair plugs will make you feel better...and no, Viagra does not make it bigger, harder, or better...(I was accepted to a couple of ivy league schools but did not go, just to be an ass about it.)

It is always someone who is so insecure or worthless inside that they need to put others down or have something better than you. I am a little insecure and suffer from social anxiety so I tend to be an asshole at times to make up for it when confronted by these people. Usually though, I just use humor and laugh at those who are more insecure than me and trying overly hard to prove otherwise.

Just some small pieces of wisdom that get me through:

1. There is always someone prettier, smarter, and richer than you. This means it is impossible to be the BEST because you can never be the BEST at everything at the same time. So enjoy your imperfections, what you have, and what you are doing because these are the things that make you REAL and UNIQUE.

2. If no one at work misses you when you are on vacation then you are expendable. If you cannot do a good job and things are smoother when you are not there, then you are not going to have a job much longer. Employers need everything to work smoothly. If you cannot get with the program and put out a decent performance then you are no longer needed. This does not mean that you will be good at the beginning. There is a learning curve for every job. Some things like running a cash register are far easier and faster to master than figuring out the shortcuts and workings of an entire computer program.

3. Do your best, ask questions, and learn from your mistakes. Adaptability is what has let mankind survive, spread out, and thrive. The easier and faster you adapt, the better off you are. This means if you get stuck, ask questions. Other co-workers are there to help you. The most important thing is admit to and learn from your mistakes. We are human, we all make mistakes and sometimes it takes a solid gold set of balls to admit it. Learning from your mistakes is what makes you valuable. Without a strong foundation, you cannot build anything. This is true of architectural structures, sports skills, gaming, work, and relationships.

4. Honesty is the best policy. This is true from a friend asking if this outfit makes her look fat or if you like the fuchsia paint color she wants to paint the inside of her house. It is also true if someone needs a second opinion on a presentation or report. Careers like wardrobe stylist and hair stylist are built upon letting others know what makes them look good. Business consultants give suggestions on making businesses more efficient and effective. This even applies to that prescription for oxycontin that comes in at 11pm or 1am. "We have to verify this particular type of medication with the physician during normal business hours before we can fill it." End of story. Don't tell them you don't have it in stock because they are just going to waste the time of EVERY 24-hour pharmacy until they are tired of trying to find it. For all of those pharmacists or technicians guilty of this offense I would like to punch each of you in the face and keep a piece of hair for the voodoo doll army I am building. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

5. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is the greatest thing out of the King James Bible and one of the most valuable lessons that our consumption driven, "me, me, me" society has forgotten. Treat me like crap and I will make sure that you have to complete a frustrating circuitous process to get what you want, if I even feel inclined to help you at all. I thoroughly believe in giving back EXACTLY what you give to me. I can even do it with a winning smile and an empathetic act worthy of an Oscar. Which leads me to the final bit of advice:

6. Kill them with kindness. No matter what, even if you are giving them the bad news, appear to be nice. For some people I am thinking "die, die, die" but my face is showing and saying "I am so sorry but this is all I can do by law and corporate policy. Would you like to contact my supervisor on Monday and see if there is anything more he can do?" No matter how rude or mean the person is to you, always show the happy helpful persona because that person is the douche-bag and you are just doing your job.

This is all I can do to inspire my readers. I failed miserably at stand-up comedy but perform well in the pharmacy (it is a joke I tell my patients...they also think it is funny when I tell them I am growing my hair out and losing weight so I can quit and become a full-time Cher impersonator...they totally know I am joking but they find it amusing). In the words of an old army slogan "Be All You Can Be" and don't forget to have fun. Speaking of fun, I am on my way back to Guitar Hero on Wii...another great time-waster....adios!