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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

The spirit of competition is what drives the consumer goods market, sporting events, beauty pageants, trivia tournaments, and daily life. These are merely a small sampling of what competition can do and by no means an all-inclusive list.

I love it when someone wants to brag about the fancy new $100,000 car they are driving. I giggle to myself because they are trying to say that they are better than me. I know deep down in that person's overextended credit that it is merely a lease and not something they could ever afford if they were making a real payment which would be $4000 instead of the $1850 a month they pay to lease it. Seriously, it is just a car. If you cannot afford it, don't drive it. I see bankruptcy in your future because I also know the interest only mortgage you took out to buy a McMansion is slowly choking you to financial death. So no, you are not better than me because I can afford the things I have and my car is paid for in 6 more payments. I don't have to give it back to the dealer, drop $2000 as a down payment, and lease another car for $2000 a month. So nah nah nah nah nah! I win.

I also love it when someone wants to brag about their fancy education. "I went to Harvard..." Well sir, I think ivy league schools are for people with tiny penises, bitter insecurity issues, and controlling families. It is like that bald 40-something driving a Corvette convertible or a tricked out Hummer. Sorry you have a small penis...maybe a nose job and some hair plugs will make you feel better...and no, Viagra does not make it bigger, harder, or better...(I was accepted to a couple of ivy league schools but did not go, just to be an ass about it.)

It is always someone who is so insecure or worthless inside that they need to put others down or have something better than you. I am a little insecure and suffer from social anxiety so I tend to be an asshole at times to make up for it when confronted by these people. Usually though, I just use humor and laugh at those who are more insecure than me and trying overly hard to prove otherwise.

Just some small pieces of wisdom that get me through:

1. There is always someone prettier, smarter, and richer than you. This means it is impossible to be the BEST because you can never be the BEST at everything at the same time. So enjoy your imperfections, what you have, and what you are doing because these are the things that make you REAL and UNIQUE.

2. If no one at work misses you when you are on vacation then you are expendable. If you cannot do a good job and things are smoother when you are not there, then you are not going to have a job much longer. Employers need everything to work smoothly. If you cannot get with the program and put out a decent performance then you are no longer needed. This does not mean that you will be good at the beginning. There is a learning curve for every job. Some things like running a cash register are far easier and faster to master than figuring out the shortcuts and workings of an entire computer program.

3. Do your best, ask questions, and learn from your mistakes. Adaptability is what has let mankind survive, spread out, and thrive. The easier and faster you adapt, the better off you are. This means if you get stuck, ask questions. Other co-workers are there to help you. The most important thing is admit to and learn from your mistakes. We are human, we all make mistakes and sometimes it takes a solid gold set of balls to admit it. Learning from your mistakes is what makes you valuable. Without a strong foundation, you cannot build anything. This is true of architectural structures, sports skills, gaming, work, and relationships.

4. Honesty is the best policy. This is true from a friend asking if this outfit makes her look fat or if you like the fuchsia paint color she wants to paint the inside of her house. It is also true if someone needs a second opinion on a presentation or report. Careers like wardrobe stylist and hair stylist are built upon letting others know what makes them look good. Business consultants give suggestions on making businesses more efficient and effective. This even applies to that prescription for oxycontin that comes in at 11pm or 1am. "We have to verify this particular type of medication with the physician during normal business hours before we can fill it." End of story. Don't tell them you don't have it in stock because they are just going to waste the time of EVERY 24-hour pharmacy until they are tired of trying to find it. For all of those pharmacists or technicians guilty of this offense I would like to punch each of you in the face and keep a piece of hair for the voodoo doll army I am building. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

5. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is the greatest thing out of the King James Bible and one of the most valuable lessons that our consumption driven, "me, me, me" society has forgotten. Treat me like crap and I will make sure that you have to complete a frustrating circuitous process to get what you want, if I even feel inclined to help you at all. I thoroughly believe in giving back EXACTLY what you give to me. I can even do it with a winning smile and an empathetic act worthy of an Oscar. Which leads me to the final bit of advice:

6. Kill them with kindness. No matter what, even if you are giving them the bad news, appear to be nice. For some people I am thinking "die, die, die" but my face is showing and saying "I am so sorry but this is all I can do by law and corporate policy. Would you like to contact my supervisor on Monday and see if there is anything more he can do?" No matter how rude or mean the person is to you, always show the happy helpful persona because that person is the douche-bag and you are just doing your job.

This is all I can do to inspire my readers. I failed miserably at stand-up comedy but perform well in the pharmacy (it is a joke I tell my patients...they also think it is funny when I tell them I am growing my hair out and losing weight so I can quit and become a full-time Cher impersonator...they totally know I am joking but they find it amusing). In the words of an old army slogan "Be All You Can Be" and don't forget to have fun. Speaking of fun, I am on my way back to Guitar Hero on Wii...another great time-waster....adios!


The Ole' Apothecary said...

Best car: a 1963 Chevrolet Impala 4-door hardtop, 6-cylinder, red trim; the first new family car I remember as a child, and also the first car I ever drove. It has meaning. It is priceless. It does all its own bragging. No, I don't know if it's still alive.

Best woman: one of my customers; the essence of womanhood: tall, with a gleaming smile; Beatles had it right: it was something in the way she moved. I flew to the opposite coast to be with her. I had to be realistic that we lived in two different worlds. No, I don't know where she is now, exactly.

These are my own, interior, personal bests; to me, they are the best in their class. Far from bragging, I stand in awe of what they mean. They humble me.

Anonymous said...

Whoaaaa, dig the passive-aggressive... but, in which state does the pharmacist have to call the doc for an oxycontin script that's already properly written on a script if it arrives at 11 PM? Not in the 3 states I've licensed.

Big 'N Tasty RPH said...

In south Florida we get soooo many fakes and stolen rx pads written for oxycontin and oxycodone we just call on everything that is not a regular "verified" customer whom we know for sure is being treated for cancer or legitimate pain management from a legitimate prescriber, not a cash for candy prescriber.