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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Congratulations! You're a Loser!

I am a body that fills in a space at any number of chain pharmacy locations in the large midwestern state I dwell in.  Different cities and counties have different laws concerning sales of Sudafed containing products.  Most areas have an rx only requirement but when I work at the ones that allow Sudafed sales with a government issued photo ID the antics ensue.

The only acceptable forms of ID are passports, military photo ID, driver's license or state ID.  Some people try  to pass off expired IDs, stolen IDs, library cards, public pool photo ID, employment badge, etc.  Each person seems overwhelmingly surprised when an ID is denied.  Sorry!

Depending on the white trashiness/ghettoness of a neighborhood I will keep a tally of how many IDs get denied.  It is kind of funny because they are always like "I haven't bought any in a long time." but the online state registry says you have so I give them the rejection printout with website that explains why they can't have Sudafed even though they already know damn good and well why.  I'm talking to you lady shake'n baking meth in the loss prevention room at a Wal-Mart...

I can guess with 95% accuracy which IDs are going to reject.  Such stereotypes are:  black guy with dreadlocks and stupid tattoos, black lady with scabby face and dazed look, white lady scabby and bruised (will probably also want a 10 day supply of insulin syringes for her grandma/cat/friend's dog), older black guy with bluetooth earpiece in and currently conversing to make sure he has the right package size/product, white guy/girl that is unsure and has to go out to the car or another person in the aisle to confirm desired product size/contents, emaciated young female wearing stupid sparkly clothing/eye makeup/smells of weed/already fucked up on something or another, dirty fingernail girl with dirty fingernail boyfriend both buying same product usually replete with stupid tattoos, homeless looking guy/girl with relatively new ID and exact amount of cash, guy that opens wallet with multiple different state IDs, guy/girl with ID from a municipality 2 or more hour drive away .  If you work in a pharmacy with ID sales you have seen and sent away empty handed all of these stereotypes because stereotypes have their start in truth and reality.

I emailed the DEA to see what they were doing about it and suggesting they take a statistical approach to weeding out meth cooks.  I told them they need to get the math geeks that helped Target figure out when a woman was pregnant around the 2 month mark.  Why can't law enforcement take all the sales records of IDs and match multiple purchases and state IDs then cross reference with welfare, tax, disability, and unemployment records attached to these same IDs and hunt the fuckers down like the worthless shit that they are.  Maybe I'm a little overzealous in the war on this particular drug but I despise what was once limited in scope to biker gangs in the 70s to now rotting the infrastructure of every neighborhood in modern society.

I leave you with my favorite rejection.  I had a middle aged black lady come in with a half smoked Blunt in her mouth.  She handed me an expired $2 off coupon for Aleve D Cold & Sinus. I told her it was expired and she was like "Auight."  So I scan the product then the ID.  It rejects.  She gave me the most well rehearsed stink/surprise face I have ever seen with the head cocked back and eyes wide.  She even took the Blunt out of her mouth and said "Say what?"  I almost lost my shit!  It took every ounce of self control I could muster not to double over on the floor with laughter.  It could have only been better if I threw confetti and released balloons like the Publisher's Clearing House Prize patrol.  Congratulations!  YOU'RE A LOSER!


MDB said...

Having previously worked for wal-mart in the northeast I have to say we get the same idiots. One store use to get ID's from out of state and from clear across the country but that was a college town so go figure. I loved getting the idiots who pissed and complained about having to get ID for any PSE or picking up/dropping off controlled substance RXs. Telling me that everyone else knows them and lets them get it without a license is not going to work. I may be the floating pharmacist but who ever you claim usually lets you get away this is not here and you S.O.L. and stuck with me so either cough up an appropriate non-expired ID or come back with one because I know the pharmacy manager will quite literally tell you go get lost and if you piss him off enough to go f' off.

I also loved the "well I left it in my car, I don't want to walk all the way out there to get it! Do you know how far that is?" Regardless that we were probably 50 yards from the entrance and I know you parked in handicaped spot as you nearly hit my tech coming back from lunch in your rush. Sadly as the pharmacist I was not allowed to set foot outside the building if I was the only pharmacist on duty. And the wonderful 30 minute break ended up as 10 minutes eating in a rush while people banged on the window asking if we were open. Before I quit I finally just started telling them to look up and going back to trying to eat (there was a large sign over the door stating that the pharmacy was closed for a half-hour for lunch and would open back up at 2pm, and we would have a clock next to it because people are too lazy to look at their watches/cellphones).

Anonymous said...

I feel ya buddy. I spent years in those type of stores. I could always tell by the look. I kept the stuff out of sight though and just told them we were out of stock. A few select decent customers we would allow to purchase. I kept thinking surely these people will get caught for years but NOTHING ever came of it. I was a fucking meth dealer for gods sake! Fuck that, I took it into my own hands and hid the stuff.

Telonicus McPhaerson said...

I frequently play a game of guessing what they want before they reach the counter. My most memorable sale was when I was training a new girl, and she was in the back of the pharmacy with the boss and we all see this guy start approaching from the other end of the store. I shout "The green box" to my boss while doing quote finger gestures, and he waved me off in dismissal.
Well, the fellow gets to the counter, and what do you know! "The green box." I finish the transaction (his ID accepted), and as soon as he walked away my boss burst out in laughter, while the new girl just kind of stared at me in awe.

The main stereotype has nothing to do with looks/gender/race. You can, quite honestly, smell them coming from across the damn store.

Anonymous said...

Because DEA could care less about stopping drug abuse. How do you think they are funded? It is the same reason they don't go after the docs writing the scripts. It is too hard. Instead they go after the pharmacy and the addict. Why work hard to solve a problem when the easy way will work.

Anonymous said...

And this is why I left retail. I wouldn't have stopped myself from laughing right in her face.

Crystal said...

I actually had a lady try to get sudafed with her PAROLE ID! bahahahaha!!!