Testing....testing....one...two.......Three?

Science has made great advances in home test kits. You can test for pregnancy, fecal blood, yeast infection, bladder infection, HIV infection, illicit and prescription substances, blood alcohol, ovulation, cholesterol, lice infestation, and blood sugar. In many ways the knowledge they impart can be helpful in managing health, but sometimes they cause great anxiety or just make you scratch your head.

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A fun "experiment" to entertain your drinking age friends: Purchase a Breathalyzer at McDruggie's and take your friends to "Happy Hour" or go to someone's house and play a drinking game like 3-Man or The Star Wars Drinking game. Damn those bad guys for wearing white and damn those dice for always hitting 3!

Yes, McDruggie's has a Breathalyzer but it warns you not to use as a sure-fire way to know you can drive after enjoying a "liquid" lunch. It also helps if you wait until the police dining at a table near you are long gone before you settle up and leave. It always happens to me so I know a few of you have experienced that fun game.

Drink, drink, drink and take turns blowing...the breathalyzer, that is, you perv. Oh, and make sure none of your friends have lip herpes before you all use it. Wouldn't that be a nasty surprise......a wicked hangover and a mouth blister.....ew...

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A woman in her late forties came to the pharmacy late last night. She can't sleep because she thinks she might be pregnant. She tried a digital test that says "pregnant" in the display. Guess what it said. So she tried a "plus" sign positive test and it came out negative. She explained to me that she may have messed up the second test so she wanted to try another one.

It gets better. After her test selection, purchase, and a dozen questions she leaves. I help the next patient and she comes back. She has a few more questions and she needs me to go as humanly far from the other patient as possible because she is embarrassed to ask these questions. I am utterly intrigued. What Jerry Springer shenanigans am I about to experience???

She already has two teenage children. She has no insurance. She is afraid that she does not know which of two men is the father. Awesome! She wants to know how early the doctor can do a DNA test and how much it would cost. I told her to take it one situation at a time. Find out for sure if you are pregnant first. If the doctor can give a close estimate of conception, that should eliminate the need for the DNA test. She left again pretty sure she would be able to sleep.

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My store manager walks up to the counter and asks me if I can pass a drug test. I said sure, why? He throws two boxes on the counter. Some super smart criminal stole the contents of two opiate drug tests. They were the tests that have to be mailed in for the results. Duh, should have stolen the one you pee in and tilt on its side that gives instant results. P.S. You are not going to pee out cocaine in time for your job interview and test tomorrow.

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A patient brought in his One Touch Ultra because he was getting weird blood sugar levels. He said it was an old machine so he probably needed a new one. I looked at the display and saw the "low battery" indicator on the screen. Gee, I wonder why it wasn't working properly....so I got him some new batteries, changed them for him, and sent him on his merry way.

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Isn't it amazing what the walking talking chem lab that is the human body can do!