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Monday, November 19, 2007

I am not trained for that!

Pre-holiday weekends are WEIRD. You get a crazy mix of vacation supply authorizations, out of state narcotic rxs that you couldn't possibly fill because there is no way to verify them, people who don't want to make an appointment with a doctor because they have to wait a month to get in the office, people who don't want to go to the emergency room, people who swear we shorted them 20 vicodin tablets out of a 30 tablet rx (even though we double count and initial ALL controls) and are conspiratorially sharing them amongst ourselves even though she has teenage children at home (who are the biggest drug thieves in America, statistically), etc. The phone call I got at 2AM was a dandy!

A ninety-five year old man who thinks he might have a hernia above his testicles has a lot of pain and wants me to talk him through a scrotal examination. I kindly explain to him that I have no formal training in that type of physical examination. I can tell you what problem symptoms may point to but the definitive exam and diagnosis must be performed by a doctor. He is not having ANY part of that answer and is very upset so I refer him to a male colleague at another location who gives him the same explanation.

The patient calls me back about thirty minutes later. He is upset that no pharmacist was able to instruct his exam. Duh, the pharm part comes from pharmaceutical meaning drug. Maybe if my title was exapharmacist (exa for exam) I would have been trained to do such but even better would be ex-pharmacist when I decide that I can no longer bear the burden of helping those who cannot or refuse to help themselves. That is when I dive head first into a downward spiral of despair and fully embrace alcoholism while skating in the wizard suit for Grublets on Ice and having sex for money. Oh fantasy life, when wilst thou become reality?? Oh to shed this festering mortal coil we call humanity and live like the lowly street wretch....but I digress.

He wants to know if he can sleep in a jock strap because it seems to help ease his pain. I told him that was fine but he REALLY should call his doctor's office when they open and see if they can get him in before the holiday because he is in pain. He said he would call them but I know deep down in my heart that he will be calling me again tonight because I talk to him a couple of times a month whenever he feels a doctor is unnecessary.

***On another note, there was a complaint in the e-mails that we are unprofessional. I assure you we are top notch empathetic professionals on the job. We save our sarcasm, anger, frustration, etc. solely for the blog and entertainment of our readership. If we only had nice things to say no one would read us. It is the tabloid effect, we all like "dirty laundry."

***Now go stuff your face and be happy you have a job, family and friends, a roof over your head, and food to eat. Happy Thanksgiving!


Anonymous said...

I know this is off-topic, but do you know any pharmacy sites where people post their weirdest pharmacy questions? I'd love to see a blog like that. I bet there are hilarious stories.

Anonymous said...

why don't you start one?