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Sunday, November 4, 2007

Overtime in Cootie Town

Many times I get a call to work at another McDruggie's when I am off. Sometimes the lure of extra spending money with holiday shopping looming in the near future is too much to pass on. This evening was a crazy mix that went a little something like this:

1. A pregnant lady calls to get a suggestion for a yeast infection. I told her to call her OB/GYN because the OTC products we have are not recommended in pregnancy. A couple minutes later she calls back saying she "talked" to her doctor and he told her to get some of that "gyne" stuff.

How stupid did this lady think I am? There is no way she paged the doctor at 12am Saturday and got a response within 3 minutes. If she is not having the baby or in a dire emergency situation the answering service is not bothering the doc til a more reasonable hour. Itchy stinky crotch can wait til 8am. She didn't page the doctor she just wanted to weasel out a quick fix. I don't do "quick fix" for a pregnant lady.

I told her the only "safe" yeast infection cream inserted during pregnancy is a prescription item. Maybe you want to call your doctor or go to the ER like I told you the first time.

2. Scabies patrol! I get psychosomatic itching for the rest of the night, every time. This parade was luckily short but involved a bit of a Springer-esque revelation. I h.a.t.e. touching anything a scabies patient has to offer from the original prescription to the money.....ew...

The process was further complicated by the cash price of Lindane lotion. No insurance. Latino homosexual with his mom..... That could not have been an easy trip to the ER with mom. The Latinos I know do not approve of two major things: pregnancy out of wedlock and homosexuality.

I felt bad for him. Not only did he get scabies but there might have been a nuclear grade fallout at home after the pharmacy visit. Good luck! Argentina may not cry for you but maybe I will.

3. Doxy here! Come get your Doxycycline here! I felt like a carnival barker was standing outside or waving people in from the ER. I have not filled that much Doxycycline in one evening ever......I mean ever! I thought it was a fluke. The prescriptions just kept coming in and coming in and coming in. There were at least 10 prescriptions. I kind of lost count as the hilarity of the phrase "scrotal infestation" kept running through my mind.

I wondered if they were all screwing the same spirochetal funbag of doom cuz this was just crazy! Maybe they should all sit down and figure out which ho they were tapping and beat her senseless then force feed her antibiotics and maybe pee in her eye to teach her a lesson in vaginal hygiene.

I should have pointed out the condom aisle and gave my soapbox presentation on how a HAZMAT suit for your wiener is a good idea in all sexual situations.

4. Pregnancy test nightmare. How embarrassing is it when your mom picks out your pregnancy test for you based on the $9.99 price tag for the dual pack because she doesn't want you spending all her money. Even more embarrassing is that you are not old enough to hold gainful employment and dress like a boy.

It was humorous. Does dressing like a boy really get you more action? Maybe I should try that some time.

I have HAZMAT suits at the ready for any forgetful male encounter, along with an axe and a drop cloth in case there is a messy cleanup! Sometimes we mate and then we kill. I love spiders! Yeah, I stole that idea from a movie....life imitating art or something...

5. Condom conundrum. You send your lady in to buy condoms. She calls you on the cell phone to make sure she buys the ones you will use. I had to listen in on this one because it was so damn funny!

We didn't have his "brand." We didn't have his "size." I would have had her take home a pack of finger cots (they look like miniature condoms) just to piss him off.

If you want to tap some ass buy your own condoms or get them from the free clinic. Don't make her do all the spending and work because in the end you are probably a disappointment in the sack and she will have to finish off with a "rabbit."

6. The ole' bladder infection. Many times sex introduces anal bacteria in to the vaginal and urethral areas. It is not because you are nasty, the act of sex is messy, juicy, and invasive. The number one cause of bladder infections is e. coli. Yes, the same e.coli that live in your intestines, on your body, and occasionally infect slaughtered and processed meats and improperly cleaned vegetables.

Some helpful tips to prevent these bladder infections are: no anal before vaginal (the same goes for sex toys), always use a condom, wipe from front to back when using the bathroom, and bathe on a regular basis (this means wash your ass like Martin Lawrence got in trouble for saying at an awards show).

Just remember, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." This includes your naughty parts. They aren't just for breeding anymore.

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