I know you're not a doctor, but...

Let me make an official disclaimer right now - I do not want to be a doctor. There was a time when I wanted to be one, but I was very young. If memory serves correctly, in that same year I also wanted to be a detective, a teacher and a blueberry. In my defense, I was four years old and under the influence of heavy doses of veterinary grade amphetamine.

True, many doctors get paid very well for the hard work that they do. They also work very long hours and have very little time to call their own. Damn that answering service! If I wanted to be a doctor, I would have gone to medical school. Instead, I decided to go to pharmacy school. My father was a pharmacist, so I knew what I was getting into. I did it anyway. The job is far from glamorous, but I make alot more money than many people who work a whole lot harder than me. I average 36 hours a week. And when I'm not at work, I don't have to think about it or worry that I'll be paged to come in as I'm sitting down for dinner with friends. Ahh, retail pharmacy... she's a harsh yet forgiving mistress. At this risk of glowing too much about my profession, I will also add that I hate my job. My favorite part of my job is the time off. That's why they have to pay me to go in. Otherwise it would be a hobby. A shitty, shitty hobby.

Now that all of that is out of the way, let me give any potential retail pharmacy customers out there a bit of advice. There is an unwritten code of conduct that our favorite customers follow. They may not be aware of it, but we most certainly are. Unfortunately I don't have the mental alacrity to go through all of them at the moment. But I and my fellow bloggers will most certainly hint on these unwritten rules from time to time.

So, there are Do's and Don'ts that determine whether or not your tablets/capsules have been subjected to the '5-second floor' rule. Here's a big Don't when first approaching the pharmacy counter...

Customer: "I know you're not a doctor, but you're almost as good. What can I use for...?"
Me: "Gosh, I don't know. Maybe you should check with your doctor about that."

Hey gentleman with anal fissures... I'm not almost as good as a doctor. Right now I'm better than one! Mostly because it's 2am and you're too fucking cheap to go to the emergency room. My advice is free (for now), but you just screwed it up by being very condescending. Enjoy sitting on your painful, chapped ass for five hours in the emergency room!

You are welcome.