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Friday, March 30, 2007

Colonic Voodoo

The "retail" landscape is peppered with questions about bodily functions, secretions, excretions, pains, etc. Most questions I am asked refer to the starting or stopping of poop. Some people are greatly distressed by not being able to poop on a daily basis. If you are anorexic, bulemic, or just not a big eater you may not poop for days. Note to parents, teenage girls with chronic constipation, irregular or nonexistent periods and have poor dentition (that's teeth) are probably in the throes of an eating disorder. These girls do not "just need a laxative" they need counseling. An elderly man who eats three times a day and hasn't had a bowel movement to the point that he has cramping needs the laxative and maybe a doctor if that doesn't work. Other things that may cause distress are greasy foods such as deep-dish pizza, many varieties of sausages, Hot Pockets (Have you heard Jim Gaffigan's rant on Hot Pockets? It hits the nail on the head!). Don't forget the things that almost landed me in the hospital: soy chips. Stay away from soy chips. I was doubled over in pain from them. Healthy, my ass..... There should be a warning for the non-soy attuned GI system. More power to ya' if you can safely eat these products. I will stick to veggies and lean meat. No more soy for me!


Рερρёřрōυяяī said...

Hmmm...soy? How come?

Anonymous said...

Because her Whitey McWhite White colon can't handle it

vicodinfairy said...

Seriously, have you noticed how every conversation becomes about bowels? As in "I stuck that glycerin suppository up there about an hour ago, and all I got was some dripping". I HATE discussing the bowels!!