Rectotab - A 100% All-Natural, Clinically Proved Rectal Prolapse Treatment

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Rectotab - A 100% All-Natural, Clinically Proved Rectal Prolapse Treatment:




OK, so now that you are familiar with Rectotab I can explain how I found it. Of course I am a fan of any and all grotesqueries the human body can produce. I was giggling to myself about a patient I had a few days ago. I have been soooooo busy I completely blacked out about it until today.

It was around 10:30PM on Saturday night. A gentleman asks for the pharmacist for a question.

Patient: I am pretty sure I have thread worms. I don't know if I should be asking a woman because this is kind of embarrassing. I can feel them crawling around and I need to know what to use for the itching. I have been using Vaseline but I am looking for something stronger. I know I need to wash my sheets and everything but what can I do about the itching?

Brain: (AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!) For reals????? He has an army of worms overpopulating his poop chute and he is only worried about the itching when Ponce De Squirm-on and his merry band of explorers escape from the Fountain of Poop?????? WTF???

Me: There is an over the counter product available that will get rid of the worms so you don't have to worry about the itching anymore. Let me show you.

By the time I had given him Reese's Pinworm Medicine and reaffirmed the home cleaning regimen he went on his merry way to exterminate the explorers. It also reminded me of another patient I talked to fresh out of pharmacy school.

She came to the pharmacy because she had a prolapsed rectum. For the uninitiated, a prolapsed rectum is where the rectum is actually protruding from the anal opening and causes a great deal of discomfort until repaired surgically, not to mention awkward social situations. The most common causes are chronic intestinal parasite infestations (mostly documented in third world countries), lifting way too much weight, and in some cases from rough anal sex.

She had a surgery scheduled for the next morning but was having a very uncomfortable time and kept grabbing at her behind like she was trying to push it back in with her hand as she spoke to me so I told her to call the hospital where the surgery was to be performed and see if they could admit her early and start the pain meds now. They took her in early. Another rectum saved....

So after I thought about that I remembered a video I saw a few years ago of a weight lifter that had a huge amount of weight to lift and actually blew his rectum out and covered the camera crew behind him with feces. It was classic so I plugged "rectal prolapse" into my Google search and what to mine eyes did appear but a "guaranteed remedy" for that situation called Rectotab.

Hmmm, my curiosity was peaked. I read the magical claims of Rectotab and assumed if it worked the $79.99 was far cheaper than surgery but alas the ingredient list was not promising. I am sorry, but if my rectum is protruding from my anal sphincter I am not taking these crappy tablets I am going to do something useful for society and make a YouTube video of it wriggling and undulating to that Rick Astley song that was so horrible in the 80's then go to the nearest hospital for surgery. Another rectum saved....

"Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"....ooooooohhhhh......never gonna give, never gonna give....give you up......damn you McDruggie's muzak!

Chalk One Up To House

I was flipping through mind-numbing programming and stopped to watch House for a few minutes. If you have never heard of it the show focuses on the demented, crippled, and pain-killer addicted doctor House as he fumbles his way through "mystery" illnesses and tortures his medical team as much as possible.

There was a scene where Dr. House is seeing clinic patients and he has a female patient who says she is using one inhaler a week and her breathing is not getting any better. He asked her if she knew how to use her inhaler and she replies "Do I look like an idiot?" He says she does not but asks her to demonstrate how she is using the inhaler. The lady sprays it on the left and right sides of her neck like perfume. I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. It was a wonderful laugh at an unfortunately common problem: inhaler misuse.

Please do not assume that telling a patient how to use the inhaler ensures that they will actually use the inhaler properly. This includes discharge from the emergency room because an even more common problem is that a patient will say they weren't told anything at the hospital when I know for a fact the nurse discharging the patient goes through all the paperwork with them including medication use.

Make the patient go through the motions as you describe it to them then discuss the medication, see if they have any questions or concerns, then have them demonstrate again how they are going to use the inhaler. This may not ensure proper use but it is the best we can do even with instructions in the inhaler packaging.

If there is anything the medical world teaches you is that most people have no common sense. This leads the U.S. government to over regulate things that are available without a prescription in other countries. Basically, most Americans are idiots, including the ones in power. It is with shame I hang my head and seek a mail-order husband from another country...

Holiday Wish List Part 2

You know Santa, there are several things we need that I don't really need to explain why. These are: universal health care coverage, better education systems, better libraries, more family time, less violence against each other, an end to telemarketing, a cure for all viruses transmitted through genital fun time, renewable alternatives to fossil fuel energy, cost effective stylish transportation, responsible personal spending and savings, and better entertainment programming.

I would also be forever indebted to you if you grant me one wish.....that someone of such great intelligence that I feel like I only had a 3rd grade education comes up with a definitive and infallible way to measure and treat pain. I vision a neuro scan that can locate the area of origin of the pain signals and the intensity at which the brain translates this signal into "pain." This would allow us to effectively treat pain while avoiding drug seekers who pretend to be in pain so they can get "high."

If that is too complicated then maybe you could grant me a drug or implant that deadens the receptors that contribute to addiction. Our current treatments for addiction all focus on weaning the patient off the addictive substance by using a different addictive substance. It almost always fails. I have seen so many people go into rehab programs only to be right back on the addict wagon a few months later. It is sad and terrible because these are the people who are "f*cked up" all the time and cause fatal auto accidents that kill the innocent and destroy the lives of their surviving relatives. There needs to be a change made.

I also want people to take a look at themselves and see that there is more to life than being stuck with a loser. Why are some people so mentally damaged and devalue themselves to the point where they feel the need to stick by a total douche bag instead of finding someone that truly cares about them? Please give them the strength to take a look in the mirror and like the character Stuart Smalley realize that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me." I can't stand it when a woman is beaten and stays with the man and tells lies to cover up the cuts and bruises. I tell those people that the beatings will never stop unless they walk away. There are shelters specifically for this purpose if a person is unwilling to ask their family for help. There are counseling programs to help work through the feelings that keep them in danger and help them to become whole again. It scares me to think that so many of these women and gays (yes it happens to some of them also) do not reach out for help. That is no way to live...please help them to overcome the fear and escape for a chance to start over.

Santa, I need to ask that you inspire prescribers to minimize the amount of drugs used to treat any one disease state with maximum results. For example, I see hundreds of patients who take more than 5 drugs for blood pressure and heart problems. There is no need for all of that. With combination drugs on the market and several drugs used for blood pressure that do other things like regulate heart rhythm and conduction that there is always a better choice for each patient's problems.

I try to tell doctors that "new" does not mean "better." Why risk your patient's life on a drug that has not been out in the market enough to know all the bad things it can do and not have a proven track record? How many patients suffered from all of the drugs that were pulled off market less than 5 years out of the gate? Why would you base treatment on what a drug "salesman" tells you or what money the drug company is giving you under the table than on a person's health and well-being?

Maybe it would just take prescribers to remember that these are real people with real lives and real problems, not just cattle to be penned in a waiting room for 4 hours while you get schmoozed by drug reps, only to get 5 minutes of face time with your P.A. and none or almost none with you so the dollar signs in their bank account get bigger and patients get piss poor health care. I hate that. I really hate that. It makes American modern medicine a bigger joke than the "war" in Iraq that was supposed to be an "occupation" to restore a government of the people, by the people, and for the people. You need at least an hour per patient to really address all issues and questions a patient has. I am sorry that you may not be able to afford the gold swimming pool you wanted to put behind your McMansion but it is about the patient's health not your wallet. The guilty ones know who they are...

Ugh, I guess that one is a losing battle until medicine gets "socialized." So I will ask for one last wish. Santa, this is a very very important wish. It is an easy one to fulfill and could actually be done by almost every person alive today. Instead of wallowing in the gluttony of commercial expenditures this holiday, I want everyone to celebrate the greatest gifts of all, life and love. These are things that go beyond religious barriers and petty disputes.

I want children and animals to be adopted. What better way to celebrate than to open you heart and home to a new child or a new pet. I want everyone to celebrate life not stuff because at the end of the day the most precious thing we have is life. In the words of John Lennon "All you need is love." and that is how I intend to celebrate the holidays. Won't everyone celebrate with me????

Thanks Santa!

Holiday Wish List Part 1

Dear Santa,

This year I think I will embrace the possibilities of hope and change and ask for the impossible. If we are ready for a non elderly white guy to lead the nation we are ready for some super special wishes to be granted.

First, I would love people to stop being rude. I don't understand why one miserable son-of-a-b*tch has to ruin the day for the rest of us. What happened to peace and good will towards men when people are getting trampled to death trying to get a bargain at Wal-Mart? Seriously, it is just some piece of cheaply built crap that is getting returned a day or so after it gets opened anyway.

Next, I would LOVE a world where people put careful thought in a piece of artwork that is going on their body instead of picking a pic off a wall and having it inked. It is also stupid to tattoo the neck, hands and face where it can't be covered up by hair or clothing. You really just look like a smack hound instead of a respectable citizen. I have a few large relatively involved pieces that took years of planning before I was sure I wanted them on me permanently and they can all be covered up at work so people don't question my advice like it came from a box of Cracker Jacks.

I would also love it if people got their tattoos while completely sober. Seriously, if you can't take the pain then you don't need the ink you f*cking p*ssy! I suffered through every prick of my ink and you should too.

Next, I want everyone in the world to examine their eating and exercise habits and make changes as necessary to prevent the need for specialty clinics serving people who had to be crane lifted out of their homes because they have a refrigerator and microwave within arm's reach of their beds and haven't seen their feet since 1972...

We have serious problems when gastric bypass surgery and liposuction procedures are becoming as common as impacted wisdom tooth extractions because we are overrun with people weighing in excess of 400lbs. That may be normal for a 7 foot tall linebacker but not for John and Jane Q. Public who struggle to move throughout the day because most transportation and public facilities were not built to accommodate those of massively excessive girth. Yes, I know that about 5% of them have legitimate hormonal and metabolic disorders that cause the weight gain but the other 95% are just plain irresponsible for their own well being and need a Christmas miracle to fix whatever underlying mental issue fuels their desire to shovel food in their gullets and just keep on going...

Holiday Wish List

The end of the year is nigh. The mad dash for gifts people will return or leave in a closet to re-gift to someone else later is here. It started off with people coming into McDrugggie's ever so often to use the restroom. No purchases, just restroom trips. These nut-jobs had been in line at Best Buy since 4pm on Thanksgiving so that they could get the magic coupon that got special prices on certain items. I hate to break their plates but all of the items in the ad were available on-line at the sale prices without the magic coupon.....could have shopped at home and enjoyed your family instead of sitting in a 200 people line all night long....I will never understand....

A lady that calls all the time called asking if there was a virus going around because she will only take a Xanax but never anything for her allergies because medicine makes her "sick." She always asks me if I am seeing patents with colds or flu symptoms and if I am sick because I sound sick. I told her I had some allergy related congestion and she told me she had the cure for that....a nettie pot. I let her know ever so politely that if I wanted warm saline in my nose I would go to the beach and play in the waves because inevitably a big one comes along, knocks you down, and cleans your sinuses for you. I of course was joking but seriously do not like the sensation of any liquid in my nose, no matter how congested if may be.

The opposite week manager was filling in for the regular manager and was telling me stories of how the other pharmacist refuses to recommend OTC products because "The body makes snot for a reason and if you take OTC meds it just prolongs the illness." She then told me that he always tells people that none of the OTC vitamin products are regulated and each bottle contains a different potency and concoction than the one before so you shouldn't take any of them.

He also told a pregnant lady one night that she shouldn't take Sudafed because it is what junkies use to get high and did she really think that was a good idea for the baby. That was hilarious. I would never say that to a pregnant lady. I would tell her to use saline nasal spray until she talked to her OB/GYN. He also likes to tell people to ask me questions when I am back on duty. I have had several of those patients but in his defense when he went to pharmacy school they had to compound everything and aspirin was the only real drug. On the other hand he is a pharmacist and should be up to date and comfortable with most of the medications on the market and health issues patients have questions about.

So for the rest of the evening I fed the robot with pills, cleaned, and restocked supplies for a lack of anything medical to do. Then I had a patient come in with a prescription for Duragesic 75mcg patches. For those who don't know, this is a powerful pain patch used in patients who don't tolerate opiate pain relievers like morphine or oxycodone. So I ran it and to my surprise he picked up Oxycontin 60mg (twice daily dosing) from CVS a couple of days ago. These DUR notifications are about the only good thing insurance companies do anymore because without them I would have no idea about the other prescription. Now I am concerned because I have NEVER seen or heard of these two medications being used together. So I had to have a serious conversation with the patient.

He said he had been on the combination before but I told him we needed to consult with the physician to make sure the doses had been properly titrated and the physician was aware of complications that could result from the combination. The patient really had no problem with taking both together. Because I have no recent prescription history to prove the doctor was aware of the situation I told the patient they are both powerful meds that are never used together in high doses because of breathing complications that could result in death. He left the prescription for me to call on and still was not concerned about any complications. What I really wanted to say to him was "Sir, I cannot dispense these without talking to your doctor because Murder One is not on my Holiday Wish List." Alas, I could not vocalize but merely ruminate on that which my brain wanted to scream out...

On the bright side the day was easy and over before I was completely bored stupid. On to the next day...

Pass The Turducken!

It that time of year again when families gather to feast upon that most magical of beasts, the turducken. Not technically a creature of the natural world but the design of some culinary dementia where a turkey just wasn't enough so a duck gets stuck up its hole where intestines and organs used to lie. This foodie contraption is dressed and cooked in various not-at-all healthy ways, combined with other unhealthy abominations of foodie dreams to be devoured by family and friends at a rate that would astonish the starved inhabitants of a remote tribal village that only sees a "full" meal once daily if lucky.

Wow.....Happy Turducken Day! or if you are vegan Happy Tof*cken Day! (where a tofu mass shaped like a duck is stuffed into the hole of a tofu mass shaped like a turkey and sounds dirty when you say it out loud...). Don't forget to gather around the table and switch the salt with a Lipitor shaker so you can pretend that cholesterol won't be the catalyst for your ultimate demise.


Don't forget to be thankful for all the things you love like "clean rooms" and antibacterial soaps, birth control and lubricant, or whatever floats your boat. I am thankful for laundry machines because washing a large load by hand would suck more than having fecal impaction...or so I imagine it to be.


And Remember: If you have a roof over your head, money in the bank, and money in your pocket (no matter how small the amounts), you are part of the richest 8% of the world population! Yay!

Pickled Pink

I think back to Biology 101 and the little pickled animals and parts we dissected, poked, and prodded to "learn" what insides look like and get an idea of how structure and function relate to the electrochemical magic we call "life." It is fascinating but are we pickling ourselves?

Since the dawn of the TV dinner science has produced chemicals that make food stay in an edible form for periods of months to years. We have also seen a steady rise in neurological disease and gastrointestinal cancers. Sure, skeptics would say that the rise in many diseases of aging happen simply because our life expectancy has greatly increased beyond that of people from 200 years ago. I am not so sure.

I looked through a catalog of government approved food additives. There is a whole lot more than color going into those Pop-Tarts, kids. There are pages and pages of protein, fat and sugar substitutes, colors, flavors, antimicrobials, texture stabilizers, etc. I don't even think Kosher hot dogs are "Kosher" anymore because several additives are derived from animal and bacterial origin. I was taken aback by the practically unending array of things you can put in food to make it appeal visually, odoriferously, and tastefully.

Consider colon cancer. The colon is basically the sewer system of the human body. The upper digestive tract breaks down food so nutrients can be absorbed and passes the rest of the material to the small intestine for further processing. The intestines have secretory cells that coat the lining with a mucus layer that assists in moving waste out while bacteria finish processing waste. While the waste is moving out some things get stuck in the mucus layer. If you don't eat enough fiber these trapped wastes can lead to irritation or infection in the intestinal lining. These irritations sometimes form polyps that eventually have the potential to become cancerous years down the road.

The real problem with colon cancer is that you can be asymptomatic for years after the cancer starts. Once it has spread to other areas of the body and you start showing symptoms it can be damn tough to treat and often fatal. This is where routine screenings for certain age groups come in. Sure the test is very uncomfortable but if you can catch it early you can stop it early. How many of the additives in food contribute to this? We have no idea.

Another problem we see more and more is Alzheimer's disease. This neurobiological breakdown of brain tissue leads to serious problems relating to being able to care for one's self or becoming a burden on the family. The saddest statistic is that most of these patient's end up in long term care facilities on a chemical cocktail that keeps them "manageable". It is a horrifying sight to behold and I will die in a well orchestrated "accident" before I let that happen to me. It does run in my family so I will more than likely be afflicted. Tick tock...not sure how long but I know my brain is waiting to turn to useless mush in about another 50 years... Pudding, it is turning into pudding...

Another neurobiological issue is Autism. There are many degrees of cognitive failure in Autism. For the lucky ones the damage is minor and they appear to function on a time delay. Others are not so lucky and seemed trapped in a repetitive nightmare that makes them a burden on the family. Could it be from food additives during a baby's time in the womb that cause this?

I like to think there are many contributing factors. First, neurological problems can be inherited. Alzheimer's, seizure disorders, and several forms of mental retardation are known to be inherited. We all have a "crazy" relative somewhere in the family tree. That one relative is evidence that your genetic stew can go bad when it comes to cooking up a new member of the family.

Second, diet plays a major role in fetal development. There are certain nutrients we know pregnant women need to prevent specific developmental problems. There are also certain foods pregnant women should not eat because they are in a state of decreased immunologic function. I am curious to see what women ate the entire time they were pregnant if the child was diagnosed with autism. I doubt that would be a good study though because people always lie about eating better to scientists or medical personnel.

Third, certain medications are known to cause birth defects and increase the risk of birth defects. I would like to know what prescription and OTC medications women were on along with vitamins, herbal supplements, health drinks, etc. the entire time they were pregnant if their child had neurological problems.

I don't know what the answer is as I have written myself into a vortex of practically unanswerable questions. I think I have to side with the Vegans on this one. Unprocessed foods seem like the best choice to me. Beyond foods, I don't think I will use any medications unless 100% necessary during pregnancy. Not that I am planning on children but you never know when an accident will happen....