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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Holiday Wish List Part 1

Dear Santa,

This year I think I will embrace the possibilities of hope and change and ask for the impossible. If we are ready for a non elderly white guy to lead the nation we are ready for some super special wishes to be granted.

First, I would love people to stop being rude. I don't understand why one miserable son-of-a-b*tch has to ruin the day for the rest of us. What happened to peace and good will towards men when people are getting trampled to death trying to get a bargain at Wal-Mart? Seriously, it is just some piece of cheaply built crap that is getting returned a day or so after it gets opened anyway.

Next, I would LOVE a world where people put careful thought in a piece of artwork that is going on their body instead of picking a pic off a wall and having it inked. It is also stupid to tattoo the neck, hands and face where it can't be covered up by hair or clothing. You really just look like a smack hound instead of a respectable citizen. I have a few large relatively involved pieces that took years of planning before I was sure I wanted them on me permanently and they can all be covered up at work so people don't question my advice like it came from a box of Cracker Jacks.

I would also love it if people got their tattoos while completely sober. Seriously, if you can't take the pain then you don't need the ink you f*cking p*ssy! I suffered through every prick of my ink and you should too.

Next, I want everyone in the world to examine their eating and exercise habits and make changes as necessary to prevent the need for specialty clinics serving people who had to be crane lifted out of their homes because they have a refrigerator and microwave within arm's reach of their beds and haven't seen their feet since 1972...

We have serious problems when gastric bypass surgery and liposuction procedures are becoming as common as impacted wisdom tooth extractions because we are overrun with people weighing in excess of 400lbs. That may be normal for a 7 foot tall linebacker but not for John and Jane Q. Public who struggle to move throughout the day because most transportation and public facilities were not built to accommodate those of massively excessive girth. Yes, I know that about 5% of them have legitimate hormonal and metabolic disorders that cause the weight gain but the other 95% are just plain irresponsible for their own well being and need a Christmas miracle to fix whatever underlying mental issue fuels their desire to shovel food in their gullets and just keep on going...

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