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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Rectotab - A 100% All-Natural, Clinically Proved Rectal Prolapse Treatment


Rectotab - A 100% All-Natural, Clinically Proved Rectal Prolapse Treatment:

OK, so now that you are familiar with Rectotab I can explain how I found it. Of course I am a fan of any and all grotesqueries the human body can produce. I was giggling to myself about a patient I had a few days ago. I have been soooooo busy I completely blacked out about it until today.

It was around 10:30PM on Saturday night. A gentleman asks for the pharmacist for a question.

Patient: I am pretty sure I have thread worms. I don't know if I should be asking a woman because this is kind of embarrassing. I can feel them crawling around and I need to know what to use for the itching. I have been using Vaseline but I am looking for something stronger. I know I need to wash my sheets and everything but what can I do about the itching?

Brain: (AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!) For reals????? He has an army of worms overpopulating his poop chute and he is only worried about the itching when Ponce De Squirm-on and his merry band of explorers escape from the Fountain of Poop?????? WTF???

Me: There is an over the counter product available that will get rid of the worms so you don't have to worry about the itching anymore. Let me show you.

By the time I had given him Reese's Pinworm Medicine and reaffirmed the home cleaning regimen he went on his merry way to exterminate the explorers. It also reminded me of another patient I talked to fresh out of pharmacy school.

She came to the pharmacy because she had a prolapsed rectum. For the uninitiated, a prolapsed rectum is where the rectum is actually protruding from the anal opening and causes a great deal of discomfort until repaired surgically, not to mention awkward social situations. The most common causes are chronic intestinal parasite infestations (mostly documented in third world countries), lifting way too much weight, and in some cases from rough anal sex.

She had a surgery scheduled for the next morning but was having a very uncomfortable time and kept grabbing at her behind like she was trying to push it back in with her hand as she spoke to me so I told her to call the hospital where the surgery was to be performed and see if they could admit her early and start the pain meds now. They took her in early. Another rectum saved....

So after I thought about that I remembered a video I saw a few years ago of a weight lifter that had a huge amount of weight to lift and actually blew his rectum out and covered the camera crew behind him with feces. It was classic so I plugged "rectal prolapse" into my Google search and what to mine eyes did appear but a "guaranteed remedy" for that situation called Rectotab.

Hmmm, my curiosity was peaked. I read the magical claims of Rectotab and assumed if it worked the $79.99 was far cheaper than surgery but alas the ingredient list was not promising. I am sorry, but if my rectum is protruding from my anal sphincter I am not taking these crappy tablets I am going to do something useful for society and make a YouTube video of it wriggling and undulating to that Rick Astley song that was so horrible in the 80's then go to the nearest hospital for surgery. Another rectum saved....

"Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"....ooooooohhhhh......never gonna give, never gonna give....give you up......damn you McDruggie's muzak!


Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

I like that song!!

Phathead said...

Did you just Rick Roll your own post? lol

Anonymous said...

I love that list of ingredients, I decided to click on the link to the clinical research, just to see what sort of botched, unreliable "clinical" source they would use. But, alas, clinical study soon to be posted here was all that it says. To lazy even to make up some bullshit study.