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Thursday, March 13, 2008

I Hate Rhinoviruses

They are microscopic and pack a big punch. They have been blamed for many work related sick days and school days. They carry a largely annoying array of symptoms, most of which I have, and can last from a few days to a few weeks (I have been dealing with this for 16 days). They suck all the fun out of a vacation. I knew I should have gone to Mexico instead of Missouri. {shaking fists} Damn you Missouri! {still shaking fists}

I thought of many wonderful things to say about rhinoviruses on the drive home. It is a 1900 mile road trip and was absolutely no fun this time around. Even the comedic antics of the Gay Pimpin' with Johnny McGovern crew barely broke a smile this time (It is a free podcast starring Johnny McGovern from the Big Gay Sketch Show on LOGO and a host of crazy colorful characters from the New York club scene, music, movies, television, and a host of other gay entertainers. It is quite funny and kind of like a vocal live-action comedy version of the Star magazine...glamorous darling and gossipy fun...). Anyway, I was miserable!

My main symptoms for the first few days were fever and the sniffles. It rapidly progressed to the thick mucus stage and remained there for several days. Sniffles still dripping. Oooooohhh now I got a cough and wheezing from the mucus. Thanks, rhinovirus, how thoughtful of you!

In case you haven't figured it out yet a rhinovirus is a microscopic mRNA virus that mainly wreaks havoc on the nose---duh, rhino means nose, have you seen the ones in the zoo...(rhinocerous = big nose cow that may stomp the life out of you or impale you and use you as a hood ornament, kind of like how my virus was waving my ass around like a parade flag). It is never a pleasant encounter.

I am not sure how many people I have infected because we did dine out a lot and go shopping. The hate mail and nasty phone messages are soon to start pouring in. I apologize now for any pandemic that occurs from it. Unfortunately I told my friend whose home I stayed in to just burn it down and call it a day because that was the only way to disinfect it.

So the two day drive home involved a box of tissue, lots of fluids, mucinex-D, cough syrup, benadryl (not while driving cuz that stuff knocks me out), a wish and some dead presidents for gas (cuz gas is super expensive). All of the OTCs were aimed at stopping snot drips, dissolving and stopping mucus blockage, and cough from nasty thick mucus. I used almost the entire box of tissue. I have blown my nose so many times that it is peeling and looks like I have dandruff of the nostrils. I am not cute in any way shape or form and people stare at me while I blow my nose and drive. On top of that was the feeling of impending doom brewing in my bowels from the anti-mucus action of mucinex. Main side effect: diarrhea. How many hours can you clinch your sphincter in traffic? I don't really want to know the answer but it might show up on an episode of Jackass.

I made it home and violated a few rest stops and hotel rooms on the way. I probably left a 4 hour long pathogenic stamp on every surface I touched. I don't know that for sure but the phrase "Typhoid Mary" comes to mind or maybe I thought it would be fun to be "Pestilence" from the biblical horsemen of the Apocalypse.

I didn't really intend to infect anyone but even hand washing does not guarantee that a microscopic fiend or two was not left behind. It's a fact: door handles/knobs and well-circulated dollar bills hold more germs than a toilet seat. How do you like those odds? Paranoid yet? Not even a little? I see you digging for that pocket-size bottle of hand sanitizer you can't live without...

Happy de-germing! I am getting better, finally...

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