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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Medical Intern Nightmare

So it was my first day as a medical intern and I was sent to an abortion clinic. I am nervous as hell and when I get there the doctor in charge is pissed off. He was ranting and raving at how they were overbooked for abortions and his only help is a God damned intern. He needed a real medical assistant.

So the day got out to a bang up start. I ended up being a gopher. Go for this and go for that, hold this, don't do that. It was terrible. The next patient we saw told me not to worry about it because this was not her first nor second abortion. Apparently this was her only form of birth control. So after an excruciatingly terrible first day I went home.

Home consisted of a house occupied by four other medical interns and myself. It was a kind of off campus dorm set up. The problems there involved constant hostility toward one intern because he was a kleptomaniac and kept stealing every one's stuff. It got so bad that I had to hide my iPod in the dirty laundry basket. I hated him and so did everyone else.

So when I got home everyone was all ..."get a shower and change because we are going out for the hated interns birthday." Great. I have a bad day and now I have to celebrate with King Klepto. So we all went out and pretended to have a good time.

The next day at the abortion clinic went no better. Where did all the other medical staff get away to? There was a receptionist, a nurse, the doctor, me, and a whole waiting room full of patients awaiting their abortions. What the f**k? Who did I piss off to get this internship in Hell's waiting room?

So after another grueling day I went shopping. The local store was kind of like a mix between a 7-Eleven and a very small McDruggie's. The owner had a stock room and apartment upstairs. It gets even better.

I am in the cleaning aisle and the store is overrun with zombies. You heard me right, zombies. The day just got really bad. So the other patrons, the store owner, and myself are just throwing random items to slow the zombies down. We all end up going up the stairs to try and get a more defensible position.

Zombies are coming up the stairwell so we start throwing things down the stairs. Sixteen roll packages of paper towels, cleaning supplies, etc. There are no weapons here so we have to improvise.

The zombies are getting ever closer so I launch the largest Bag O' Socks I can find and hit a zombie in the head. He starts laughing, "Bag o' Socks, that's funny intern." He is still laughing so I hit him in the head with a large bottle of Windex. Bag O' socks indeed, Mr. Zombie, Bag O' Socks indeed.

I woke up laughing. I should really turn that one in to a novel. Horror from the brain that hates me to humor the medical community and others who would get a laugh out of it. Oh yeah, and since I published it here first it qualifies as intellectual property and I can sue you if you try to write and publish it before I do.



Joel said...

Please tell me that was all a dream from beginning to end!

Big 'N Tasty RPH said...

Yes, a total dream. I have a busy brain when the rest of me has shut down to recharge. Why else would I be knee deep in placenta and zombies?