We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Sexual Healing

Sexual well-being is a relatively new frontier for medical science as we know it. Back in early Chinese history, long before the western hemisphere was known to exist, different types of stimulants like the first penis substitute (dildo) were created. It was nothing like the battery fueled vibrating machines of today but a hollow cylindrical object filled half-way with fluid. The object worked by inserting into the vagina and rocking back and forth in a rocking chair. The movement of the fluid inside would stimulate the vaginal walls and presto! Climax has been achieved. I am sure this took an extremely long amount of time to reach climax but your have to work with what is available.

You can even still find reprints of ancient catalogs from all cultures featuring man-made erotica from as early as the 1800's. Some erotica items do look like torture devices and may have caused more damage than pleasure, but to each his own.

Which brings me into the present. A manager friend from Mc Druggie's told me to look on their website. There is a menu tab labeled Sexual Wellness. Curiosity piqued, I went in for a look see.

There it was in all its shiny red candy-like glory. I had to click it, you are always obligated to hit the shiny red candy-like button. I explored the wonders of sexual wellness. Most of it is lubricants, condoms, family planning items, etc. and there are small vibrating devices.

Some of the items were funny, some were standard mini-vibes you would find at a porn store, and some of them were just weird. The Cone was just a pink vibrating cone. I could not imagine that it was that great but the ad said it was a top-seller in Europe. I read some of the reviews for it and almost choked on my soda. One review claimed it was "The BEST thing since sliced bread!" I disagree, not even having to try out the product. I am still sticking with air conditioning, microwaves, and tampons.

This excursion led me to explore other McDruggie's company websites (all retail pharmacies are McDruggie's, after all) for sexual healing. Most didn't have anything beyond family planning, condoms, lube, and the yeast infection test kit. The last McDruggie's I checked had a link to Drugstore.com. There I found a wonderland of sexual toys, the usual condoms and stuff, and even bachelorette gifts. The Uncommon Drugstore, indeed.

Their vibrator selection rivals that of Ye Olde Porne Shoppe that can be found in every city on almost every 3rd street corner (maybe that is just Florida). It even had many of the things you would find on a sex toy website, except the religious vibrators. I have only seen those on one specialty website. If you believe in hell or purgatory I am sure that site can get you a first class ticket.

The good thing is that Drugstore.com reminds users to wash toys before and after use and to never use them on inflamed/raw areas or on open sores. They are at least responsible about that. More than I can say from some sex toy sites.

My favorite item under bachelorette gifts is a penis and balls shaped cake pan and matching penis candles. I know a lot of birthdays coming up. If you mysteriously receive a penis cake with matching candles you can take a pretty good guess where it came from.

Who wants wiener cake??!!


Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

I want a penis cake, if it is like the one from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Cake and penis? What a combo!

Big 'N Tasty RPH said...

I don't know if it would survive overnight shipping. The icing might melt then it would just be a sticky box. Poopoo to that.

Anonymous said...

Oho...I know what website has Sexual Wellness on it...I work there after all. "Walgreens: The Pharmacy old horny people trust." I waswalking out to go on my lunch break one day, and this old guy walks in and asks me where "This cushion thing is." "What cushion thing?", I reply. "This here Liberator", he says, and points to it in the catalog. It wasnt until I looked on the company website that I realized that the old man wanted to spice up his love life. Anyway, I went without lunch that day.

Anonymous said...

Ever hear of a red velvet cake? Like the armadillo cake in 'Steel Magnolias?' That would be the perfect cake recipe to use...you could name it 'Lorena Bobbitt Memorial Cake Pan' (if guys can name their organs, we can, too).

The possibilities fairly glitter before us...

Anonymous said...

Many states outlaw those "sexual wellness" items. Do they limit where the items are shipped to?