Open Letter To The Douche That Stole Extenze

Dear Douche Bag,

There are thousands of products aimed at preying upon the insecurities of people. Extenze is a big one with an overblown marketing frenzy and infomercial empire.

Contrary to its vague marketing claims of "enhancing that part of the male anatomy" it only helps increase blood flow to the penis and nothing more. The only inches it adds are the ones where the tiny vesicles fill with blood to make your junk the human equivalent of a fleshy blood-filled water balloon. That's hot...and something that your body would do all by itself if you weren't strung out on illicit substances.

You see sir, many man-made chemicals and health problems can interfere with the delicate pressure needed to fill your penis. Some of the more common things are medications for high blood pressure and depression, overindulging in alcohol, and opiates usually used for pain but from the track marks on your arms and your general scruffy appearance suggests a quickie injection in the pain clinic parking lot. These things can make it damn near impossible to get a proper "hard on" and just leave you with a sad little limpy wet noodle.


The easiest way to make your junk appear a few inches bigger is to shave or trim the hair around it. It is also good courtesy if you want someone to put it in their mouth because nothing stops fun like a pube stuck in your the teeth. I am just giving helpful suggestions for your otherwise busted life. Perhaps getting straightened out will help you in more ways than one. Then again perhaps not. You will probably always be a total loser.

I will end with one final note. When you are pacing the back aisles of the store to make sure no one is watching and I walk by more than once to ask you if I can help you find something that means we know you are comtemplating the proper moment to stick something in your clothing and walk out with it. Another big tip off is if you loudly tell the pretend person on your cell phone that you didn't find what you wanted and would have to go to Wal-Mart as you walk out the door. We know the game and have busted hundreds of thieves. We know all the tricks and nuances of the "clever theft" so you are not so clever and on that note if we ever see you in the store again we will call the police or maybe the SWAT team because that would be even more fun to see you crap yourself when sexy men armed to the teeth put an assault rifle in your douchey little face.

Sincerely,

BNT