Ancient Chinese Secret (or was it Japanese?)

I stay up late, very late, which affords me the luxury of infomercials. Man, Ron Popeil is a late night icon. Who could survive without a pocket fisherman or my favorite a rotisserie cooker. I actually bought that one and it cooks some awesome meat. Basically a lot of those items end up in our "As Seen On TV" sales section at McDruggie's and sometimes other counseling nightmares from TV appear.

I was horrified to see a h-u-g-e display of Kinoki foot pads in front of the entrance to the store on my way out yesterday morning. I only noticed it because a manager was staring at it in deep thought. I felt it my obligation to save this man $20.

1. The human body has its own waste disposal systems that do not excrete through the feet. We are not trees rooted in the ground. This "reasoning" would be sound if we were rooted but we are not. There are arteries that carry blood, nutrients, and oxygen to every extremity of the body and conversely there are veins that return this blood carrying waste products to the spleen, liver, kidneys, and lungs for breakdown and/or disposal (depends on the site, for example the lungs exchange carbon dioxide waste for nutrient oxygen). We pee and poop to get rid of most wastes. If we sent out waste like trees we would simply bleed to death.

2. If you are hemorrhaging through the feet you should be in the ICU at your closest hospital.

3. Slick graphics, a good presentation and "miraculous" testimonials do not make a good product THEY MAKE A GOOD SELL. Make people think they need it, fortify it with "ancient orient secrets" and put a pretty package on it and it will sell because people are stupid. How many of you owned a pet rock??? Well, it made someone a multi-millionaire and I never bought one...

4. Cellulite does not come out of pores in the feet. These fatty tissue cells are far too large to pass through the skin barrier. What analysis did they use to know it was cellulite? A circle on a graphic? That is bullshit! It is preying upon the millions of suckers who buy things that will make them thin while eating everything they want. It does not work that way so put down the doughnut and take a long walk. Dietary changes and exercise are the only REAL way to lose and keep off weight.

5. They show a graphic of "toxins" in human hair follicles. What were the amounts measured and what methodology was used for testing? I guarantee if they tested hair follicles from someone who dyes it the "toxins" will come up in vastly different amounts that someone with their natural hair color. And seriously, were these people working in a waste disposal plant? Most people will never have any of these "toxins" in the body unless they work around them for a living.

6. The testimonial from the lady with migraines is complete bullshit. The foot pads did not make the migraines go away. It is a scientific fact that stress and lack of sleep can increase frequency and intensity for many migraine sufferers. This dumb ass fell for the placebo effect. She "knew" it would work which helped her sleep at night and decrease her stress levels because the "magic" foot pads were detoxing her body and soul. Dumb ass.

7. Ignorance is bliss. Medically that is what we like to call the placebo effect. I could give you a piece of candy every day for a month and tell you that it will relax you. You will believe this and be calmer, sleep better, and feel better but nothing has changed but your perception of how to feel after taking the candy "pill" that I gave you. This always shows up in scientific research. There has not been a study done on people that has not shown this effect. It does not happen with lab animals because they do not perceive things the same way we do so there is no gullibility in the data, only cold hard scientific fact.

8. We have been programmed by advertisers to want more, want better, want fast and not complain about the expense or the lack of quality or results from the promise. It is like finding out how an illusion works so the next time you see it you are completely disappointed. Mac Air? Anyone who spends $1700 on a thin computer that doesn't even have DVD burning capabilities is a dumb ass. F-U Steve Jobs, it won't be a good gaming computer either. What a rip-off. Oh, don't forget the first generation iphone and ipod touch....wastes of money that sold millions only to be replaced by a nicer model or price reduction later.

9. I have started to ramble and abuse my digital soap-box so I will wrap it up now.

There used to be a saying that "the proof is in the pudding." That was from way back before Jell-O instant pudding when you had to actually cook it on a stove without burning it or making a sickly rubbery mess. I don't think that one applies anymore....cooking pudding, what a heresy, thanks Jell-O! My warning will be this: Trust no one. This includes advertisers, politicians, reporters, celebrities, blogs (because they can be set up by an advertiser to promote a product, mostly movies, I really f**king hate when they do that), and sources that are poorly documented. Trust only thorough research. There are many consumer advocacy groups that test products for you. Consumer Reports is the best but there are many more. Shop smart and do some research before you waste your money, hopes, and expectations on "magic" and empty promises or testimonials.