Who's Your Daddy?

We have pretty much seen it all in the pharmacy. First you could get a genetic test in a box to find out "Who's your daddy?" and now you can get a test in a box to find out if you are having a boy or a girl. This comes in handy when you live in an area where infanticide has become commonplace when one gender is preferred...not mentioning any large country that supplies most of America's imports, especially my favorite Mardi Gras beads and Le Vian jewelry knockoffs, but you know who you are....

We have become so super duper advanced that we can't possibly wait to find out if that little munchkin blooming in the womb has a stick or a hole. Why do we need a test in a box for this? Shouldn't you be seeing an obstetrician and making sure your babe is getting the best in nutrition so it isn't born looking like an extra in "The Hills Have Eyes?"

Some of the over the counter test kits have gotten way beyond ridiculous! What's next the "Liver Cirrhosis Test Kit" or the "Herpes, Wart, or Syphilis Sore Test" or maybe an "Is This Vaginal Scraping Cancer Test"? It is seriously starting to sound like the parting gift from some crappy game show and we are all gonna get the "Dr. Oz Home Game" on our way out the door. Thanks, Oprah...

I just don't approve. There are several conditions that you absolutely should see a doctor for. For example: There is a dark tarry substance in your poop. You don't need to spend $35 for the Fecal Blood Test. I guarantee you have blood in your poop so go see a doctor. "But Tasty, I don't want to drink that horrible liquid and crap myself for a day so a doc can stick a camera on a tube up my butthole." Stop your whining because I don't give a crap what you think about the necessary evils of bowel prep! You need that test to see if you have a large perforated ulcer (ie open hole somewhere in the digestive tract through which digestive juices and bacteria can seep out amongst your other soft tissues and organs nearby and have an Armageddon party at your expense) which requires surgical repair or if you have cancer which can be biopsied and treated. The longer you let something like those go the smaller and smaller your chances of successful treatment and survival.

The point is this: Many of the over the counter diagnostics are unnecessary and may lull you into a false sense of security. That HIV test in a box may give a negative in someone who is infected because it can take many months before the virus has replicated enough to be positively identified. Why do you think the Red Cross won't take blood donations from men who love that sweet sweet man on man back door action after 1977? Or for that matter prostitutes after 1977. They do put it ever so delicately on the questionnaire...

The best thing you can do when a problem arises is ask your friendly neighborhood pharmacist and we will let you know if it is something you can try to treat for a few days or if you should call your physician immediately. You don't need to use test kits unless your physician advises you to. Most people that use over the counter testing are doing so for blood sugar and/or ketones and to determine pregnancy. Those really should be the only over the counter tests we need and everything else should be done through a clinic or doctor's office.