Inner Workings Of My Brain

To let you in on some of the things that make me who I am I will let you in on last night. Keep one thing in mind. My friends and I clung to one idea throughout school that is still my personal mantra: "Pharmacists by day, dirt rockers by night." This duality is what keeps me from wanting to slit my wrists in a bathtub after a bad night of work realizing that this is the job I will have until the day I die because I just can't bear the thought of going back to school.

So I got off my 72 hour straight work week and took a nap. Got up, blasted some music for motivation and got ready for the show. Flew out the door and picked up my gay concert buddy so we could make our ritual stop at 7-11 for large drinks to mix pints of liquor in and drink in the parking lot before the show. We went to the liquor store at my work and got our preferred adult beverages of choice and went to the car to make road soda magic and head to the venue. On the way to the car a gentleman with huge balls walked passed us (I wasn't paying attention but my gay friend told me so I have to believe that a conniseur of male genitalia knows what he is talking about). We spent the next 20 minutes making jokes about tea-bagging and how a man with elephantitis could possibly kill someone or cause a concussion from a well placed tea-bagging hit.

Tea-bagging: the act of plopping tighty whities (men's undie briefs) full of male genitalia on another individual's head. To see this act watch the movie Pecker. It is quite hilarious for so many of the wrong reasons in the eyes of polite society..."Full of grace!"...somehow I laugh every time...

While the first band was performing we laughed at how they seemed to be stuck in 1982 hair metal and had the receding hairlines to prove it except their drummer looked like he was all of 15. Weird because he reminded me of the Sherminator from American Pie which made me laugh harder.

The singer of the second band is a cancer survivor. He looked like crap but chemo is a b**ch when you tour a lot, even resting between gigs won't help. This turned into a discussion on how testicular cancer seems to pop up in guitar and bass players. I would like to see a study based upon the assumption that chronic exposure to the electromagnetic field generated by the instruments (because they are generally held in close proximity to the genitalia during performance) leads to the genetic mutations that result in sperm mutation and cancerous growth in the testicles.

The final band played and the aggressive herd mentality known as a mosh pit appears. My friend and I watched from the balcony and noticed that most of the men in the pit were underage, ie. not old enough to drink due to the lack of armbands present designating drinkers from non. There were the token handful of girls in the pit because we are tough too and parents with their children. After checking out all the shirtless men who would end in my jail sentence because they were at the least under 21 and at the most under 18 I once again came to the realization that if I do have children I will be the mosh pit mom making sure my kids don't get mortally wounded and beating the crap out of the a**hole that thinks he can get away with it.

To round out the evening, no concert night is complete without fast food. Nothing tastes better when you are full of liquor than nachos, burritos, and large fountain sodas. Thanks Taco Bell for staying open late. I dropped off my friend with his Taco Bell delights and chauffeured my own home. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and watched Hell's Kitchen and the Reaper season finale on TIVO while enjoying my nachos. At some point I passed out.

Upon waking the first thing I hear is how the average human colon has a 9 inch diameter and when fully coated with mucus it can cause you to hold an extra 20 pounds of weight. Damn, not this infomercial again. The 7-day colon cleanse really pisses me off. Seriously, there is no documentation that states you must poop once per day to be normal. Depending on how much you eat, what you eat, medications, and your normal bowel habits you may go anywhere from more than once per day to once every 3 or 4 days. This magic colon cleanse is not necessary. Especially not for the exorbitant price they ask. If I want to sit in the bathroom for 7 days I will make some chili with lots of jalapenos, chilies, and Tabasco sauce. It works every time.

So now I am angry at the infomercial that clearly states at the bottom of the screen that the creator and salesman for this product has no medical background and severely dehydrated and nauseated from drinking all night. Good times, good times.

In the end a well-placed kidney shot will knock down the strongest of men and every activity I participate in results in some medically relevant discussion. Once medical training gets in it defines everything that you do and tries to rewrite who you are, hence the desire and need for duality.