We bring the FAST and laughs to pharmacy.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Latisse

You have probably seen Brooke Shields selling Latisse to make your eyelashes grow but the list of side effects is daunting. So I would like to give my appreciation and laughs to the kids at Funny Or Die.com for the Lashisse spoof. My thoughts exactly!

I also love their Protect Insurance Companies PSA....again my thoughts exactly!


www.funnyordie.com/videos/041b5acaf5/protect-insurance-companies-psa

www.funnyordie.com/videos/b4b8bb4810/lashisse

Here In My Car

You all know how much I love love love that convenient outlet for the uber-lazy, the drive by...I mean drive thru. I always feel one paper hat away from asking if you want fries with that instead of asking if you have any questions. I meant medical questions a-hole! I do not have the winning lottery numbers, do not know the proper sequence of equations to build your time machine, the large white paper bag I gave the person in front of you was not garlic rolls, I do not have more garlic rolls, I will not call you if we ever start serving garlic rolls, I do not know the score of the game (no matter which sport is in play that evening), I am not a Dolphins/Marlins/Hurricanes/whatever other Florida team exists fan, I do not schedule nor give flu shots so come back between 10am and 4pm like the marquee and adverts say, we will not give a flu shot thru the drive thru drawer but I have a few places where I would like to tell you to stick the needle, many stores have an urgent care clinic to look at that oozing puss filled lesion you have there so you can be prescribed an antibiotic because this is not whatever foreign country you are from we can't just give you something at the pharmacy our system and laws require you to see a practitioner licensed to diagnose and prescribe and I ain't it, and whatever other stupid request you have that is not remotely appropriate for a drive-thru drawer opening.

In my hood their are lots of tourists so it is not out of the ordinary that a taxi with a t*tty bar ad pulls up with a Viagra/Levitra/Cialis patient who needs "just one pill" immediately. They are a lot of my late night business. I also get a lot of talk time with the police because sometimes t*tty bar fights end up with shots being fired in other places, like behind our pharmacy or a fight breaks out with the crack heads at the hopefully soon to be condemned motel across the street where they all stay which is where the Nude Dude probably came from (several posts ago). We always know who the crack heads are because they usually buy batteries, Chore Boy metal scrubbing pads, baking soda, etc and steal many of these items along the way along with candy, sodas, chips, etc because even a crack head's body will want food eventually but they can't possibly spare a dime for a snack with a rock so close at hand.

My favorite drive thru kids are the ones wanting Class II drugs or as they like to call it "The Good Stuff." The first of these encounters this week was a guy and girl in a taxi. He gives my tech a photo ID, insurance card and two rxs, one for Lyrica and one for Vyvanse so the tech brings them to me for an okay to fill them. I look at the guys profile and here is why I don't fill either of them.

1. He took this taxi ride from a city one hour away from us to get here.
2. His profile shows #70 Ritalin 20mg cash from Doctor A on 8/23 at store A, #80 Ritalin 20mg cash from Doc A on 8/28 at store B, #110 Ritalin 20mg insurance from Doc B on 9/8 at store C, #90 generic Ritalin 20mg cash from Doc B at store A on 9/15, #90 generic Ritalin 20mg cash from Doc B at store D on 9/15/09 and all say sold in the computer which is over 400 tablets in less than 30 days.
3. The rx for Vyvanse was either 30mg or 40mg, #120, taking two in the morning and two in the evening on a patient who has never been on Vyvanse according to our records. The maximum FDA approved "safe" dose for Vyvanse is 70mg once daily.
4. I go over this information with him and he states that this is not doctor shopping so I told him that until I spoke with his doctor no pharmacist was going to fill it because the dose was way over what is legally allowed as "safe".
5. He told me he hoped "I was operating within the law and that to deny this prescription from his doctor who was the head of Harvard Neurology that I was going to kill him." The doc on the rx was from the city one hour away and according to the state MD registry was only registered to that particular practice site. I have great doubts that the head of Neurology at Harvard would hold a full time private practice several states away from his university.
6. He was so f*cked up on something that he could not form a coherent sentence.
7. He continued to argue with me even as I handed everything back to him. Don't f*ck with me cuz I am not gonna humor your bullsh*t and I cannot be bullied into filling ANYTHING that is not within the limit of the law. I do not cave in like the other pharmacies you conned into filling your Ritalin bullsh*t.

In the words of Suzie Orman: DENIED!

The other girl and guy that came in to the drive-thru at 4am for #60 Vicodin ES and #60 Xanax 2mg were also from an hour away and had prescriptions from an office with two mds that both had "Verify all controls, stolen rx pads" in their office listing in our computer. I explained to them that the docs want us to verify all control rxs with them for this reason. She was giving me an "I am so much pain" speech but she was smiling real big and giggling when she handed me the rxs. Sorry, not until their office opens. Again: DENIED!

The piece de resistance was not in the drive thru but still involved a car. An elderly gentlemen came in with his wife's insulin. They needed something for travel that would keep insulin cold for 3 to 4 hours. I sold him an insulated lunch bag with some reusable freezer cold packs which should do the trick. While I was ringing him out the manager paged for me to pick up the phone. I usually let the phone ring until I am finished with a patient because that type of multitasking is rude and I want the patient to feel comfortable and assured that they have my undivided attention. The elderly gentleman had hit a girl in the knee with his car in the parking lot and they had called the police.

My first thought was "That's why we have sidewalks." It was a little more complicated than that. There were several teens getting into an SUV in a parking space. The elderly gentleman drove through the row of parking spaces and turned when he almost hit the truck. This is where he hit the girl in the knee. We watched the video. The elderly guy came within INCHES of crushing 3 people to death. He didn't seem chemically impaired but he was mentally confused and very slow on movement so he should not be driving a car. This is the prime example of why people over the age of 60 should have a mandatory driving test every year in order to have driving privileges.

The most dangerous thing we do every day is drive or ride in a motorized vehicle. You are more likely to die in a vehicle related accident than any other accident or type of cancer. Hell you could play any lottery game once weekly and would be more likely to die in a car than win the lottery. It's just that dangerous. With people texting, intoxicated, illegally unlicensed and uninsured, putting on makeup, doing crossword puzzles, computing, etc while driving it is very dangerous because it may not be you that causes the accident but it may be you that gets killed in one. Be careful out there!!

Guest Post: The Pill Story

The Pill Story – Why We Don’t Mix and Match

I’m small and round (sometimes) and brittle, so you would think I’m practically harmless. But that’s where you’re wrong. You see, when I meet and interact with a few others of my ilk, I turn into a potentially dangerous cocktail that could end up harming and even killing you. I’m what you call a pill, the kind you don’t think twice about popping down your throat. For years you existed without me, but once I was invented, it seemed like man could not do without me. Illness, real or perceived, and it seems like I’m your constant companion.

Now, by myself, I may be relatively easy going. I don’t harm your insides or play with your mind. But you see, I’m what you call easily influenced. So throw me in the company of a few bad pennies, and I could end up confining you to the hospital if you’re not careful. I take on various avatars – antibiotic, antidepressant, pain killer – all of which you count on to keep you happy and high.

You see, when you mix me with alcohol, I not only send you into a stupor, but one from which you could never wake up.

When you put me and birth control pills in the same room, I make them less effective (so don’t blame me for playing spoilsport when you end up with an unwanted pregnancy).

When you combine two of my forms, say antidepressant and pain medication, you’re in deep trouble of going the way Michael Jackson did (and I’m not referring to his fame here).

I may be just a small aspirin pill, but shack me up with blood thinners and watch the havoc I cause.

These are just a small sample of the chaos I could possibly cause to your psychological and physiological systems. And no, I am not exaggerating here; in fact, I am downplaying symptoms and adverse reactions.

My kin and I exist to make your life better, not harm it. But when you abuse us, we are more likely to end up killing you. So even if we are available over the counter, even if we are easily accessible, use us responsibly. If you’re not sure about mixing us, consult your doctor and stay safe.

By-line:

This guest article was written by Adrienne Carlson, who regularly writes on the topic of pharmacy tech certification . Adrienne welcomes your comments and questions at her email address: adrienne.carlson83@yahoo.com or her site http://pharmacytechniciancertification.net/

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Immunizer

This little ditty goes out to all the pharmacists who were tricked or forced into becoming immunizers by their corporate paymasters.

*Sung to the tune of "Womanizer" by Britney Spears

Superstar, Where you work? How's it going?
You took CPR in case a patient stops breathin'
Hope they brushed their teeth or had a mint or gum or somethin'
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you not gettin' paid more for this service
Baby, extra work for you my corporate puppet servant
Standing there like you really give a sh*t about this
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Immunizer, immu-immunizer, you're an immunizer
You, you-you are, you, you-you are
Immunizer, immunizer, immunizer
(immunizer)

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You got a needle
(You)
You got Fluvirin
(You)
But I can't do it
(You)
You Immunizer

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You say I'm crazy
(You)
I got your crazy
(You)
You're nothing but a
(You)
You Immunizer

Swine flu, Fluvirin just won't cut it
Too bad for you, cuz the panicked people want it
No extra help with patients out the wazoo, makes it hard, it could be easy
Who you are, that's just who you are, baby

Lollipop, give em out to make it sweeter
It's just a little prick for the victim of the needle
Sure it's cheap, that's just how they want it
But it shouldn't make you sick cuz it's a dead virus, baby

Immunizer, immu-immunizer, you're an immunizer
You, you-you are, you, you-you are
Immunizer, immunizer, immunizer
(immunizer)

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You got a needle
(You)
You got Fluvirin
(You)
But I can't do it
(You)
You Immunizer

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You say I'm crazy
(You)
I got your crazy
(You)
You're nothing but a
(You)
You Immunizer

Get that needle away from me, yeah
(Immunizer, immunizer, immunizer, immunizer)
Got your Epi-pen ready in case I anaphylax
But I won't, cause I eat eggs, yeah!

Immunizer, immu-immunizer, you're an immunizer
You, you-you are, you, you-you are
Immunizer, immunizer, immunizer
(immunizer)

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You got a needle
(You)
You got Fluvirin
(You)
But I can't do it
(You)
You Immunizer

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

(You)
You say I'm crazy
(You)
I got your crazy
(You)
You're nothing but a
(You)
You Immunizer

Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are
Hey don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are are-are

Immunizer, Immu-immunizer, you're an immunizer
Oh, immunizer, oh, you're an immunizer baby!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Open Letter To The Douche That Stole Extenze

Dear Douche Bag,

There are thousands of products aimed at preying upon the insecurities of people. Extenze is a big one with an overblown marketing frenzy and infomercial empire.

Contrary to its vague marketing claims of "enhancing that part of the male anatomy" it only helps increase blood flow to the penis and nothing more. The only inches it adds are the ones where the tiny vesicles fill with blood to make your junk the human equivalent of a fleshy blood-filled water balloon. That's hot...and something that your body would do all by itself if you weren't strung out on illicit substances.

You see sir, many man-made chemicals and health problems can interfere with the delicate pressure needed to fill your penis. Some of the more common things are medications for high blood pressure and depression, overindulging in alcohol, and opiates usually used for pain but from the track marks on your arms and your general scruffy appearance suggests a quickie injection in the pain clinic parking lot. These things can make it damn near impossible to get a proper "hard on" and just leave you with a sad little limpy wet noodle.


The easiest way to make your junk appear a few inches bigger is to shave or trim the hair around it. It is also good courtesy if you want someone to put it in their mouth because nothing stops fun like a pube stuck in your the teeth. I am just giving helpful suggestions for your otherwise busted life. Perhaps getting straightened out will help you in more ways than one. Then again perhaps not. You will probably always be a total loser.

I will end with one final note. When you are pacing the back aisles of the store to make sure no one is watching and I walk by more than once to ask you if I can help you find something that means we know you are comtemplating the proper moment to stick something in your clothing and walk out with it. Another big tip off is if you loudly tell the pretend person on your cell phone that you didn't find what you wanted and would have to go to Wal-Mart as you walk out the door. We know the game and have busted hundreds of thieves. We know all the tricks and nuances of the "clever theft" so you are not so clever and on that note if we ever see you in the store again we will call the police or maybe the SWAT team because that would be even more fun to see you crap yourself when sexy men armed to the teeth put an assault rifle in your douchey little face.

Sincerely,

BNT

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ding Ding Ding! We Have A Winner!




Plan B is available at the pharmacy for purchase with a photo ID proving the purchaser is 17 years old. The message on the box states "Prescription required for women under age 17."

A man called because he came in earlier in the evening and purchased a box of Plan B. He called very concerned that we had sold him the one for under 17 year olds and needed to know if it would still work for someone over 17 years old. I was speechless.

This guy must have swam out of the shallow end of the gene puddle. You know, the "gene puddle." Definition: a minute puddle cut off from the gene pool by global warming that allowed for the most severe degradation of the human genetic sequence resulting in acts or words of stupidity that defy even an every day Joe's imagination.

So I firmly and simply replied that the pill labeled Plan B is the same only the law needs a prescription for a young girl. He expressed great relief and after he hung up the phone I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. This guy is ready for plan C, ie castration. If there is a God he will never allow that guy's genetic material to be passed along but we all know from experience that the people who want kids have the hardest time getting pregnant while those who have no business with children breed like rabbits. Another winner indeed.